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Comments on Comments
Sat, 19 Dec 1998 11:36:28 -0500
Most of this is an e-mail conversation I had with Lindy which I felt brought
up some interesting points:
Lindy: (Relating to the comment about the drink being thrown at Dustin
Hoffman in Tootsie because he said what she claimed to dream about hearing):
You may be right. They do want that. Even when they don't admit it. And
sometimes they don't admit it..because they don't have the resources to face
it. But I wonder if the real point of the drink being thrown, was not
because she was insulted...but because she was confronted with her own inner
passion and sexuality...and reacted with fright. This is a difficult thing
for some women to admit that they have these feelings...feelings which
sometimes can be too much for them to deal with. Control may be the reason,
since it means letting go in a way they have never fully done before. Scary
stuff for some. As I think of it..a lot of the fear that men (and women
too) have about rejection might be spared, were they to realise that often
when they receive a knockback, it truly is no reflection of them as men. It
is most often the case that it says less about you...than it does about
them. But it must hurt. A lot. it's important then to have a good
concept of yourself. It saddens me to see fellows feeling bad about
themself and taking it as personal when they receive a knockback. As in
sales, if there is no buyer you have nothing to sell. Doesn't make you good
bad or indifferent. If this one isn't interested...then find someone who is.
You need to value your own opinion of yourself, more than that of some
strange woman who could be a total nutter for all you know. Because people
will only ever treat you as well as you treat yourself. If you seek respect
from
others...then Respect Yourself first. You are entitled.
My Comments: I have a friend (who I mentioned in the last post I sent out)
who believes that women want a man to tell them what to do (but it has to be
done in a manner that meets their innermost needs and desires). Lindy: I
would not disagree...but here's the thing...there are likely just as many
men who would like the same ...if they but new it. It is not a conscious
thing...and most would be unaware...or unwilling to admit such a thing. The
catch is that there are few who understand the obligations and
responsibilites they take on when they seek to take the lead role in a
relationship... Few have the skills or the capacity to do so with much
elan.
My Comments: The trick is to be able to tell someone what to do in a way
that they want to do it. If you ask anyone if they want someone to tell
them what to do, the reaction would be clear..."NO!" But someone who makes
you feel secure and you have confidence in them (and they have the style to
be able to pull this type of thing off) is very seductive. I agree that you
can't take their rejections personally. Hey, they act indifferent with the
excuse that "I don't know you" so why concern yourself with their rejection?
Lindy: Because they are bitches is the short answer. (or Jerks in the case
of the male)The fuller explanation is that they are individuals with limited
worldviews and a small cache of resources at their disposal. You should
feel sorry for such people...and run, don't walk away. These people live in
a world of self delusion. They will stay that way until they can accept
responsibility for their results...and their actions. Some will be happy to
live their whole lives in blissful ignorance. Their Loss.
My Comments: Well, one thing that I realized (that no one ever told me) is
that everybody has somebody they are nice to. No matter who it is, the
person who seems unapproachable or who reacts in a short or rude manner does
have someone who cares about them, who they treat well, etc. Realizing that
someone may be having a bad day when they snapped at you and being able to
look beyond the immediate to see the real person, to try and find the person
who has value in there, is a sign of maturity I think. This does not mean
that I have the right way to deal with them at the moment we are describing,
only that I know that this is only one of the hurdles that needs to be
overcome in order to successful seduce someone. Personally, I feel my
challenge in this area is mostly to get (or access what I already have) the
ability to overcome all resistance and objections that you face when you are
in front of that woman that you want. Ultimately the only person that can
make you happy is yourself.
Lindy: Very true. And very difficult for most people to grasp. It means
they need to accept responsibility for themselves. Anathema to many. There
is a quote I like ...I don't know the author and it sums this up very well.
If you accept it...your life will be changed forever. It is simply this...
"My position in life is equal to the sum of all the decisions I have made...
or allowed others to make for me. What I Choose...Is What I Am."
My Comments: It has been pointed out to me that we make decisions
consciously and unconsciously all the time. The decision to talk or not
talk to a woman is just one. To think negative thoughts is another. While
we may make excuses to ourselves (and I know that we have been formed by
forces that we may not recognize as having been ultimately under our
control), we really do have to face the fact that what we are and what we do
is the result of our own chosen actions. Now that we are aware of this, it
is time to restructure ourselves to live the way we want to.
Jason: I was taking another tack on that movie scene, and extending the
idea to romantic movie scenes in general. Movies are a common topic of
conversation, and an easy way to start exploring for themes. An HB may say
that she likes comedies or that she likes romances, for example. Segue into
how you find it interesting
how the most memorable scenes are those that either dramatise or satirize,
perhaps in a metaphorical way, some aspect of the viewers' own experiences.
I mean, there was this scene in Tootsie where.. blah blah.. and she said to
him (gesture back and forth), "hey I
could give you some kind of line. But I just wanted to say that I find you
very interesting, and I want to make love to you." blah, blah. Then you do
the same with some romantic scene from another movie, and
so on. Basically (and my apologies if this is obvious to you), "quotsifying"
the words preempts the possibility of provoking her displeasure towards you,
because your're consciously dissociated from the dialog. Also, the
looping/nesting of roles is trance inducing. At the same time you're giving
her implicit permission to indulge her fantasies, and you're linking those
states to yourself.
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