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David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating Mailbag

“Q&A: Help With Shyness” – October 1, 2001

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“Q&A: Help With Shyness” – October 1, 2001

I want to start off this week by addressing an issue that comes up once in awhile.

Every few weeks or so, I get an email from a woman who writes something like “You’re totally wrong about what you’re teaching men… I like nice guys” or “You are teaching men to be mean to women, etc. etc. etc.”

Just to clarify my position: I don’t like the idea of treating women BAD, or being MEAN to them. And I don’t advocate lying, cheating, or malicious manipulation.

I’m writing about my PERSONAL experience dealing with women, and the experiences of many men that I’ve met who are also VERY successful in the dating world.

And as far as I’m concerned, I’m teaching men how to be more INTERESTING and ATTRACTIVE to women. Just like any other information, it can be used for good or evil. My hope is that this information will be used to help men become more attractive… not turn them into cold, heartless jerks who just use women and throw them away. And from the hundreds and hundreds of emails I get, I believe that most of us guys are doing the right thing, treating women well, and not using this material to hurt other people.

It’s true that once you get past the initial dating phase of a relationship, things usually change, and you need to understand how to keep the relationship going strong. But there are dozens of books out there to help with that particular situation (John Gray seems to have that market cornered with the “Men Are From Mars…” series).

But as far as I’m concerned, if you want to be successful in the DATING world, you need to do things that are sometimes illogical, counter-intuitive, and paradoxical. I know that many of the ideas that I talk about don’t seem to make sense at first glance. But I encourage you to try them out in the real world. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

The fact that I get far more emails from women who tell me that my material is RIGHT ON than from women who argue tells me that I’m on the right track. On with the Monday Mailbag…


“I first off wanted to say what great ideas you have, I look forward to your newsletters.

I have a problem/question which can be summed up in a very short sentence, Why am I such an idiot?

I’ll explain; Every girl I ever meet (which is few) gives me the “lets be friends” routine. The most recent girl I really went overboard with nice things, I helped her get a car loan, I kept her cat when she couldn’t keep it, I let her “borrow” money. Why am I so stupid? Why cant I just quit this when I know it wont get me anywhere except to “friend” status?…”

>MY COMMENTS: You wouldn’t believe how many other guys are dealing with a similar situation… If I were you, I would stop beating myself up over this, and just start doing the things that will make her feel more attracted to you. It’s important to treat yourself well. Instead of asking “Why am I such an idiot?” and such, say things like “I’m going to do something different tomorrow, and keep working on this and improving.” You are your best cheerleader, so make the most of your self-talk. As far as the girl goes, you have to start doing the things that I talk about to become more ATTRACTIVE to her. Stop calling so much, date other women, don’t always sugar-coat everything. And, of course, keep reading my materials to learn more specifics.


“Hi DD,

I am a 18 year old 6ft4″ male with blue eyes and a sportsmans build. The body I have always been told is just what girls look for. My problem is that I have a very soft personality and I am quite clever. I also had or have ADD. All these factors contributed to me being mocked a lot in school and having a father who tried to push me to my limits and never saying well done did not help either… I was hit with another ego punishing blow when I found out (the hard way) that I cannot engage in any sexual activities (i.e Oral or Sex) unless I went for an operation to rectify the problem. It is not the part that I cannot have sex but the fear that the girl might just want to take the next step… I generally hide when I see any girls in order to avoid them. I finally got up the courage to talk to my parents about my problem and will be going for my operation very soon. My concern is that my self esteem is so low that I may never be able to get a girlfriend. Do you think I have hope and where do I start or should I just give up now? I really need some help.


>MY COMMENTS: First of all, it took a lot of courage for you to write in and share your situation. Just from that I can tell that you’re the kind of person that is going to overcome your challenges.

Brian Tracy has a 6 tape series called “The Psychology Of Achievement” that I would recommend you get and listen to. I’ve listened to those tapes many times, and I think that they will help you deal with some of the self esteem issues that you’re working on. I think you can get them at his website at

Remember this: Situations like these aren’t win/lose. You say here that your self esteem is so low that you may never get a girlfriend, and you want to know if you should just give up now…

NEVER just give up in a situation like this. If there’s one thing I’m convinced of, it’s that anyone can change their personal situation if they want to. You just have to commit and keep working at it until things start going the way you want them to. I don’t mean to sound like a self-help guru, but staying committed to your goal is very important here. Keep learning new things and improving until you succeed. It will happen. Stay in touch, and let me know how it goes.


“I have a question…How do i overcome shyness?”

>MY COMMENTS: I get this one a lot, so here are some of my thoughts…

First, what do you mean by shyness?

Do you mean that you can’t go outside because you’re afraid to talk to anyone?

Do you mean that you don’t know what to say to start a conversation with a woman?

Do you mean that you don’t know how to start a physical relationship with a woman, meaning kiss her or hold her hand?

Do you mean that you are too nervous to ask for a phone number when you’re talking to a girl?

I hope you can see that ‘shy’ could mean just about anything… and there’s a different answer for each situation.

My personal experience is that MOST guys feel some kind of shyness or nervousness at least SOMETIMES with women. The key is to get yourself into the situations and LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH EACH ONE. Experience builds confidence and confidence creates action… which leads to more experience. Just get out there and start making friends with women. Get online and start chatting if you’re too shy to do it in person. Keep working on it and taking steps until you can talk to anyone anywhere.



Any tips on how to keep it going when dating more than one woman? What to say when scheduling conflicts arise? I’m particularly interested in how to negotiate this with a girl you’ve dated a few times and is certainly warming up but then one of your regular things calls and hey, you want to keep that going cuz it’s good, so you decide to do that one weekend. I’m pretty sure at that point one doesn’t want to say to either of them “I have a date, maybe next weekend.” Your thoughts on this or just generally on problems that can come up when dating several girls would be appreciated.



>MY COMMENTS: This is a common situation, and a great question. I really believe that it’s best to be up front with women about the fact that you date other people. Us guys often think that telling a woman that we’re seeing other people will make her run… but it usually has the opposite effect. Guys that are attractive to many women are usually seen as more attractive. Go figure. I personally say to women that I’m dating “I think that one mistake that many people make is getting too involved too fast. I don’t think that it’s a good idea to get into a serious relationship until I’ve known someone for at LEAST a few months.” This tells the whole story.

Now, I personally don’t think it’s such a good idea to brag about seeing other women, or shove it a woman’s face just to make her feel bad. I have an “I don’t kiss and tell” policy… meaning that I don’t share a lot of details. In other words, I don’t hide the fact that I’m dating other people, but I don’t like to share all the specifics.

I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with dating more than one woman at a time. But I think that it’s best to do it in such a way that doesn’t cause you to feel self-conscious or like you’re doing something untruthful.


“I have a dilemma. I like two girls, and they are twin sisters. I talk to both of them and they I know that I like both of them. One of them said that she likes me. My question to you is: Who should I go out with and how should I ask her out?

P.S. Thanks for all the tips.”

>MY COMMENTS: I think the answer is obvious to all:


OK, If I were you, I’d go out with the one that seems to be giving you the positive signals. If you want to prevent too much drama, and keep the sisters talking to each other, make sure that they’re both not in love with you… but, if this IS the case, then this is a problem that a lot of guys wish they had… good luck.


“I started using your techniques, and in no time I saw the results. Now I’m dating a wonderful woman which is very into me and everything is going great except for one thing: she just got out of a long relationship which ended bad, so she says she doesn’t want to start a new serious relationship right now (which I do) but still it is obvious she likes me and she has told me she wants something with me, but not just now. This gets me confused. Any thoughts?.”

>MY COMMENTS: Sure, I have some thoughts… do all the things that I teach so you are ATTRACTIVE to her… and so you keep all of her attention. If she’s feeling like she needs some space, then give her space… but give her just a little more than she wants. If you try to push a woman who is feeling commitment-phobia, you’ll probably just scare her off for good. Remember, the situation is what it is… make the best of it. And the best is usually to do things that make her feel ATTRACTED to you.


“I recently moved into a duplex and the neighbors are three girls. Now, I’m very attracted one of them, but I don’t know if it would be appropriate to try anything. Because of the close proximity, if anything did develop, it would almost be like living with each other. I’m probably getting way ahead of myself and that is half the problem. I would really like to try something but the delicateness of the situation is making me second guess my instincts. How do you think I could handle this situation? Thanks.”

>MY COMMENTS: I think that you’re probably asking for trouble if you date someone that lives in the same DUPLEX as you. But there is a bright side!

Cute women usually know others like them. So these three probably know at least 30 others like them. Make friends with the three of them… cook some dinners, make them laugh… and tell them that their job as your friend is to find nice girls for you to date. Don’t laugh… this is a powerful piece of wisdom if you use it correctly. Just think… they’ll be coming to your door with friends saying “Hi, this is Jody. I told her that she should meet you…” And by treating them all as friends, it will only make you more attractive.


I just recently got a girlfriend, its my first, we’ve known each other for more than a year now, and we’ve been together once before. We’ve alreadt told each other we love each other, and i know this is going to last a while. but it seems like every time we get together every guy in the world seems to want to tell her their feelings about her. that’s what broke us up last time, a guy how she liked asked her out. and well its happening again, i know she loves me and she’s not going to that again, but i just feel uneasy about it, cause well….i’m not exactly a great looking guy (not even good looking). i know there’s nothing i can do to prevent it, but it just doesn’t feel comfortable. any advice you can give me?”

>MY COMMENTS: I can still remember the first really hot girlfriend I had. We would go out, and guys would line up to talk to her (I actually saw men line up to talk to her on a few occasions… it was freaky). At first, I felt a little insecure about the whole thing. I knew that some of these guys were more handsome, more successful, richer, or whatever. But now that I’ve been through this one a bunch of times, I’ve come to realize that if she enjoys you, the only thing that’s going to mess it up is your own insecurity.

The fact is that beautiful women are going to be approached all the time by men. It’s old news to them. If she’s taken the step and actually become your girlfriend, then I think that you should consider honoring her and your relationship by responding with the following attitude to deal with these situations:

“I realize that she’s an attractive woman, and something would be wrong if men didn’t approach her. I’m going to be a gentleman about it when it happens, and smile because I know that I’m the one who’s going home with her, and I’m the one that shares a connection with her that this guy will never have.”

This calm feeling of security will make a difference. Women are attracted to men who are confident, and who don’t become intimidated by other guys.

***QUESTION (From a woman)***

“david… i’m a female and i am mesmerized by your approach. IT IS TRUE…

Can you help me as a female?…”

MY COMMENTS: I would recommend that you check out the book “The Rules.” Now, I realize that some of the material in that book comes across as manipulative, but don’t take any of it to the extreme. Just understand the mindset that if you are elusive and charming, you will be pursued. And to all the guys who are reading this, next time you’re in a bookstore, thumb through that book. I think you’ll find it interesting.


Well, this has been an interesting mailbag!

As always, if you’re just learning about some of my ideas and you’d like to really start being more successful with women and dating, you need to read my book. Just go to:

[download ebook now]

and download your copy. It’s the very best place to start, and you’ll get a great education in how to start meeting and dating the kinds of women that you’ve always wanted.

If you have a success story for me, send it to:

[newsletter sign-up link]

…and I just might use it in my next newsletter!

Talk to you soon.

Your friend,

David D.

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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