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David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating Mailbag

“Q&A: Avoid The Victim Mentality” – October 29, 2001

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“Q&A: Avoid The Victim Mentality” – October 29, 2001

First, I’ve gotten a lot of email relating to last weeks’ letter from the guy who was saying that all of these stories and questions that I print are fake. Most of it was support, etc. from fans and from the people who originally sent in the testimonials.

I want to restate one point: None of the questions, comments, success stories, or testimonials I print are fake. These are real emails that I get from real people. I know that sometimes some of the stories and testimonials seem almost too good to be true, but they aren’t. They’re all real.

Next, more women have been writing in to share their comments and perspectives. Probably my favorite one of all time is in this newsletter – from a lesbian (and yes, it’s all real…). Thanks, ladies.



“Now I was skeptical about your book, and planned to ask for a refund if it didn’t do anything for me. But after reading it i’m impressed. All that looking around the internet, newsgroups, even buying dating books didn’t seem to help. But your guide explained IN ENGLISH and LOGICALLY what is going on. Thank you. I have one question…you never mentioned what to do if after you go to coffee with them they mention they have a boyfriend. I mean some girls honestly seem to think you just want them as a friend… Am I not being funny enough or not sending enough mixed signals?”

>MY COMMENTS: There are two basic interpretations of this situation. One is that they do, in fact have a boyfriend, and two is that they aren’t attracted to you and are just using it as an excuse.

I don’t usually buy the idea that a woman will meet you for coffee or dinner without mentioning a boyfriend… I mean, there are exceptions, but most women will mention it up front if you’re asking them out.

So I’m going to guess that you’re doing something during the time you spend with her that gives her that “this guy isn’t romance material” vibe. Try being even more cocky and funny, and tell her that she’s going to make a nice friend FIRST. Beat her to it. Let me know how this works for you.


“Hi Dave,

Well im turning 22 tomorrow and Im going to be spending my birthday alone yet again. Not once have I ever had any women attracted to me, 22 soon and I have never kissed a girl and I am still a virgin. Needless to say I do not have an attractive personality, yet I am in great shape as I work fulltime in a warehouse as well as the family farm. So basically I am a worthless excuse for a man, only guy in my grad class without an escort at the prom, and Ive never ever been on a date in my life either. I have been told many many times by girls I know that Im “too nice”, “no fun”, “boring”, etc etc etc. Granted I live in a very small town in the canadian north and there isnt much to go out and do, other than going to the bar which I detest. Any advice would be welcome.



>MY COMMENTS: First of all, how do you know that no women have ever been attracted to you? Your problem isn’t in the real world, it’s in your imagination. You need to go to WORK on your personality the same way that you go to WORK in the warehouse and on the farm. Take time every day to learn something new and practice. If you’ve read my book, then you know how to take baby steps and how to make progress a little each time with every woman you meet. Watch some James Bond movies, and practice walking, talking, and moving like him. DO ANYTHING! The only person in the WHOLE WORLD that is ever going to be able to change your situation is YOU, so stop talking like a beaten puppy and get to it. If you want interesting things to do with women, learn about how to read palms, how to do astrology charts, and how to do magic tricks. There’s always SOMETHING fun and adventurous you can do. As you can tell, I don’t have any patience for the “victim” mentality. You can change if you want to, so get to it.



I am a happily married man but have enjoyed reading your dating tips to be better able to understand women in general and my wife. I take flowers home to her quite often and she always seems to appreciate it but it is almost old hat. Last Friday on the way home I bought things to make a nice dinner instead of flowers. Sunday morning I got up early and fixed a full dinner including salad and desert all by myself. (Which I have never done.) It turned out great. That night, way before our normal bet time, she takes me into the bedroom and screws my brains out for two hours. I never got that reaction from all the flowers I bought through out our 27 years of marriage. Another interesting observation. Being cocky and funny helps in normal business situations, also. The other day one of the big big bosses from back east came to visit our plant. Everyone was introduced to him and said what a pleasure it was to meet him. When I was introduced I respond with what a pleasure it was for him to meet me! He cracked up and my boss shot me a dirty look. At the end of the day my name was the only name he remembered. I wouldn’t have had the nerve to say something like that before I read your newsletters.



>MY COMMENTS: Women love surprise, adventure, and the unexpected. It arouses THEIR inner adventurous side… which can lead to good things.

NEVER be predictable. And don’t do things out of obligation. It would be a great idea for you to come up with a list of 10 different things like your surprise meal that she’d love, then spread them out over the next 90 days. Here’s the key: Never announce an of them, and always create as much suspense, fanfare, surprise and adventure as possible. You might just get lucky like this more often… lol.

As for your business experience… that’s great. We humans love people that have a little too much confidence and who can make up laugh. Thanks for your email.


“Hey Dave,

I’ve been getting your news letters for a few months now, and them seem like really good ideas. However my biggest problem when it comes to women is the initial approach. I just have no clue what to say when I see a girl that I wanna talk to. So if you could share any good opening lines (not cheesy pick-up lines), that I can use to get myself to the point where I can use your other tips. I’m not looking for an exact script or anything just a few lines that can be used in most situations.

Thanks in advance, and keep up the good work.


>MY COMMENTS: I’m glad you asked this question. Here’s my take on this: A good thing to say is “Hi”.

When I first started learning about how to be more successful with women, I was looking for a way to start talking to women so that they “wouldn’t realize what I was up to”… thinking that if I could come up with a smooth line, they would warm right up to me.

Well, REALITY CHECK… if you start talking to an attractive woman, SHE’S GOING TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. You read that right… a woman is going to INSTANTLY suspect that you’re picking up on her NO MATTER WHAT SLICK LINES YOU USE. So instead of trying to think of something to say, just get over it and start talking. Your body language», eye contact, and voice tone will do all the talking.

Of course, you’ve read my book “Double Your Dating” and you know how to use your body language and personality to make her feel attracted to you, right? Oh, good.



I have been receiving your letter for about a month, but I am having a hard time using your advice because I am shy, and insecure, and I have a hard time hiding it, and I was wondering if you have any advice on how to “get over it”, or disguise it so I can be more successful?

thanks for your time,


>MY COMMENTS: Yes, I have some advice: Read my online eBook “Double Your Dating“. There is no magic pill that will fix this one for you. You’re going to have to work on it. Baby steps at first. More jokes with supermarket checkers and waitresses, then moving on to asking for emails, then more advance ideas. I know that it sounds like a bald-faced sales pitch (which is surely is), but you need to read my book to get a full understanding of how to proceed.

[ebook download link]


“listen…i need to tell you…i was a free loader for awhile and boy was i missing out. I finally said screw the money, cause it didnt seem like that much for something like this, and bought your book. dude, I need your help now. Not joking around either. I really like this girl but before reading your book i almost got her and then got the whole i dont wanna be in a relationship now bit. Now after using your book, i was able to get her to a stage where it just may be considerable, but i had already said we’d be friends and if she wanted anything, she’ll be the one making the moves. I need to make some sort of move now. I dont know what to do. I hope I gave you enough info to help me, please E-Mail me if you have further questions but I need your comments…. and I love your book…too bad there are more free loaders like me who are just getting 1 % of the whole idea from your newsletter….thanks a lot D


>MY COMMENTS: Thanks for the compliments. As far as your situation goes… you really need to do yourself a favor and start dating some other women. I say this for two reasons. First, you need to come from a place where you don’t “need” her, and Second, there’s nothing that makes a woman feel attracted to you like jealousy. I hate to say this, but the more you put her on a pedestal early on, the more likely you are to lose her in the long run. As I always say “Don’t act like a wuss”.


“David, David, David……

Ok , so here it is… I am a lipstick lesbian woman who has thoroughly enjoyed your mail. I will confess, I have used your stuff on several woman and have gotten an interesting response BUT I got an even better response from men!!! It’s been close to 15 years that I have not been with a man and although I like the masculine presence I have not been turned on to a man since then. Lately however, I have used your “techniques” on total strangers (men that is) and I have phone numbers, requests to get together, dinner dates and then some within minutes of meeting them! I love it… In the past (b4 your stuff) I have always been told that I am very sensual and exotic looking but quite intimidating. I am very level headed and strong willed and weak personalities were crushed beneath my stares and high heels. Excuse me… my pager is going on… and there it is a message from one of the guys I recently met , asking to see me tonight….

HeHeHe…. All in all, this amazing turn of events has me considering on spending serious quality time with a man… So who knows, another one bites the dust!!


>MY COMMENTS: I know, I know. This can’t be real… but it is! I love my job.

And yes, I emailed her back. And no, you can’t have her email address. Write your own book, and get your own email newsletter!


“David D.–

I LOVE YOU!…and I’m a guy. Dude, give me your phone number. Or IM name.. I want to have a conversation with you. I been practicing what you write about for years. With your help, I was able to master this craft. I was like 2 years ahead of the game and your methods helped me reach the next level. I always read those success stories and never believe a single one of them. Until now… when it actually happened. I was IMing this girl and in the middle Of our conversation, she calls and said stop being mean (in a prissy girlie “I need attention” way). So amazing things that you told me would happen, happened…and we started talking some more and the next thing you know, she demanded me over her house no later then midnight tonight (never say yes.) So I said no…you come over my place. After bickering for minutes, I finally saw it slipping away and caught it and I’m on my way over there at 12:15 becuase that’s what time I said I’d be there….dude. You’re the man. I definitely want to go around the town with you and have a good time picking up woman. Just using your craft is the most fun I’ve had in years…. and we’re talking about those snotty college girls. (This is only one of 5 girls that ive been trying to get– UPDATE** They all have asked ME out)


>MY COMMENTS: Look, no more “I Love You”, and no kissing if we every hang out. I think you’re doing just fine without me as your wingman.

It really is amazing what can happen when you start playing hard to get with women. They don’t know what to do, and they are very entertained and attracted to it.



I’ve been receiving your e-mail for about three months now and I’m not sure if I should buy your book I’ve never had a girlfriend before and I’ve only kissed a girl once! Girls always say I’m cute and funny but I never have the push to ask them to go out because I’m afraid that they will say no and I’m a really shy guy. I’m relly desperate. Well if you could give me any advisE.



>MY COMMENTS: Yes, you should buy it. Let me ask you this:

What is it worth to you to get this part of your life handled? Most of us guys spend more time, thought, and money on shoes than learning about how to make women feel attracted to us. It’s a good investment, get it.


“Dearest David,

In a galaxy far away and long before I read your book, I met this girl that at the time I thought was really attractive and I was pretty sure that she was attracted to me (she gave me her number without me asking). Like a square I brought her a big lollipop to lecture and starting revealing a lot about myself, which ultimately ran her off. Months later I found your book, realized the flaw in my technique, made some revisions and now the game is good to me. Whether or not I want to, I have to see her every other day because she leaves the lecture I’m going in to. I know she sees me, but I make it a point to be in the middle of conversation with an attractive female I know when she passes me. I know what’s passed is past, but in a way I want her to see how I’ve changed, and I also want to rewire her brain like I’ve become so talented at lately. But I think that me speaking to her first would be like giving in. Should I just wait for her to crack???


>MY COMMENTS: Rewiring women’s brains is not the kind of work that I’d recommend volunteering for. If I were you, I’d just casually say “Hey, when are you going to cook me some dinner?” Then use your new found cocky and funny attitude to get her to talk you into it! And do yourself a favor and date some other women. It will help.


Dear David,

You say you want more insight from us girls? Alright, here goes. Maybe you can use some of this.

I had several dates with a guy recently — I wasn’t attracted to him, but I thought he was intelligent and easy to talk to, so I continued to see him hoping some sparks would flare up.

They didn’t.

In fact, our last date was so bad that I cringe at the thought that I’ll probably bump into him sometime soon. I’m pretty sure from his behaviour that he doesn’t receive your emails, so I can share some of the memories with you:

1) He showed up late, never apologised, and then handed me a stuffed animal. Well, frankly, I’d rather he’d have shown up on time and skipped the dog. I actually don’t like stuffed animals — but he didn’t bother to find that out.

2) Constant compliments. Every time we went out, he’d say, “You look great in [fill in the colour of my shirt]”. Basically by complimenting me every single time on every piece of clothing, it just wasn’t special, and it seemed contrived. Like a line that he felt he had to say as part of his dating ritual.

3) WAYYYYYYYYY too much cologne or aftershave. I actually felt sick — I could taste it, it was so pungent. We took a cab to dinner, and I had to crank down the window (and it was pouring outside) to breath.

4) Total insecurity. At one point during dinner, he suggested I go home. I asked, “Wha…? Huh?” he said, “It’s obvious that you’re bored with me.” Doh! How am I supposed to respond to that? In hindsight, I probably should’ve just followed his suggestion…

4a) Aside from the flowers, he had also volunteered to help me do some things that were…well, only stuff that a long-term boyfriend should be offering to do. “You’re beating the dust out of your carpets? Do you want me to come over and help?” Um, no.

Another pet peeve…ok, this is getting picky, but it’s just food for thought. Some friends and I were talking about another guy who constantly does this, and how much we hate it. This guy calls and always starts his conversation with:

“What are you doing tonight?”

This puts the person on the other end in a really awkward position. What is it that he wants? Does he want to join me? Do he really want to know what I’m doing tonight? Does he want to ask me out, or does he want me to walk his dog for him tonight? AND if I don’t want to see him, I either have to make up a lie…or if I can’t think fast, I have to tell him the truth (which I may not want to do, and which he may not want to know.) “Um…I’m having a bikini wax”. If a guy wants to ask a girl out, he should ask her out. That means something along the lines of, “If you’re not doing anything tonight, I’d really like to see you.”

Just a woman’s perspective…”

>MY COMMENTS: I’m with you on all of this, except for the end… instead of a guy saying “If you’re not doing anything tonight, I’d really like to see you” try “I’m doing something tonight, and you’d really like to see me…” It’s funnier, cockier, and better! Seriously, thanks for the comments. Most guys don’t realize how much it can turn a woman off to do all of these “nice” things. Reality check.


“Hey man,

When it comes to girls and relationships i think you are a genius, I think you may be a reincarnation of Casanova..or something! Anyway this question has been buggin me for ages, what makes a girl suddenly not see a guy in ‘that way’, and instead see him as a friend, even if they have been on a date before? And if the girl sees him as a friend is there ANYWAY he can change her views??? Thanks man, keep up the good advice!


>MY COMMENTS: First of all, the way that “makes a girl suddenly not see a guy in ‘that way'” is the fact that she doesn’t feel an ATTRACTION to him. The fact that you’ve been on a date with her makes no difference at all. If you haven’t used your personality to make her feel ATTRACTED to you, then you’re just going to be a “friend” forever. The way to change this is to act in the way that I describe. Stay tuned.


Well, there’s another week’s worth of interesting stuff from the mailbag.

If you haven’t downloaded my eBook “Double Your Dating“, then do yourself a huge favor and go to:

[ebook download link]

and get your copy now. Like I said before, most of us guys never make the investment in OURSELVES to get this part of our lives handled. I spent YEARS learning all of this stuff. And I can save you a lot of time, effort, and hassle. Check it out.

Talk to you soon.

Your Friend,

David D.

P.S. If you have a Success Story or a question for me, send it to:

[newsletter sign-up link]

Make sure you write “Success Story” in the subject if you have one, as I read these first, and keep it to a paragraph or so.

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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