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David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating Mailbag

“Why Are Women Attracted To Jerks, Anyway?” – November 8, 2001

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“Why Are Women Attracted To Jerks, Anyway?” – November 8, 2001

This week I want to talk more about what makes women feel “attracted” to men.

And if you’ve read my book, or have been tuned in to this email newsletter, you know that I believe that there is a big difference between what women SAY that they want in a man, and what makes a woman feel that ELECTRIC GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION INSIDE for a man.

In other words, if you ask most women what they “want” in a man, they’ll say “Oh, I want a nice, honest, thoughtful guy who can communicate well…”

And the truth is, this IS what most women “want.” But remember, there’s a BIG difference between what women “want” and what makes a woman feel ATTRACTION inside.

ATTRACTION is a mysterious thing, (as are all emotions in my humble opinion). Pascal said “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.”

What he was getting at here is that our emotional systems have developed over millions of years through a complex process of evolution and selection… and that the emotions we feel are triggered by things that are usually not at all “logical.”

As a quick example, let me ask you… what makes YOU feel that INSTANT ATTRACTION for a woman? For most men it’s a certain look, a body part… maybe a voice tone or a touch.

Most of the single guys I know don’t say “Hey, let’s go out Friday night and look for some women with great morals, stable families, and good conversation skills.”

If we humans were purely LOGICAL creatures, then we wouldn’t care too much about looks. As a matter of fact, we might even think things like “Well, she looks TOO good… she probably spends a lot of time tending to her looks, which means she won’t be a very attentive partner and parent… I choose not to feel attracted to her.”

And then we all woke up.

And back to reality… as you’ve probably heard more than enough, men are attracted more to looks, and women are ATTRACTED more to personality, style, and communication.

Sure, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are handsome in a way that turns women on, but these guys aren’t the RULE, they’re the exception.

Men read Playboy, women read romance novels.

“Yes, but what about PlayGIRL?” you might ask.

I saw an interesting study once that found that most of the readers of Playgirl magazine are GAY MEN. Interesting?

The fact is that women’s attention is captured by romance novels because they offer something that satisfies a DEEPER need. And this deeper need is both emotional and complex.

Since we only have another few paragraphs, I’d better break it down for you…

If you run down to the bookstore and pick up some of these romance novels, you’ll find something interesting… the stories usually start out with a male character that is wild, often abusive, untamed, and generally a not-very-nice kind of guy (Sure, by the end of the book he’s usually calmed down a bit, but you always know who he REALLY is).

I’m sure you’ve either experience or seen the situation where a guy says “For some reason the women I know date these jerks, then I’m the ‘friend’ that gets to hear about it.”

Why is it that women date jerks, then tell their “nice guy” friends the stories instead of just dating the nice guys in the first place?


OK, so what are some of the things that make women FEEL that GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION?

More importantly, how can us guys do some of these things to make women feel attracted to US without having to be abusive jerks?

My answer is to learn about how the “Attractive Jerk” personality acts, but leave out the ABUSIVE aspects… and mix in a few other surprises to make an irresistible combination.

Here’s an example:

Women are attracted to men who aren’t easy to pin down, who are busy with their lives, and who they have to work to get and keep the attention of.

It’s hard to get a Jerk’s attention because he’s so consumed with himself. He’s busy being selfish, so it’s just natural that a woman will find it hard to get his attention.

If you want to use this psychology to your advantage, you can do things like:

1) Talk about times you’re busy before talking about times you’re available.

Example: You’re talking on the phone and making plans to get together. Most guys will say something like “How about tomorrow at 3?” The smart guy will say “Let’s see, I’m busy tomorrow morning and the next day. And I’m going out of town this weekend… But I can do it tomorrow at 3.”

See the difference? It may not sound like much, but when you start saying things like “Well, I’m busy at this time… and I’m busy at that time… etc.” the person listening starts to unconsciously think “Uh oh, it sounds like they’re busy… I wonder if they’re going to have time for me…”

2) Leave her alone once in awhile when you’re out together.

Example: You’re out together at a store window shopping. Most guys will stick right along side of the girl that they’re with the entire time. Instead, walk away from her into a different part of the store once in awhile and let her come find you.

Again, see the difference? At a subtle level, walking away from a woman communicates “I’m confident and independent. I do what I want with my life, and I don’t need to stay right next to you every second to get your approval.”

In the two above situations, a Jerk might do these things anyway, but it’s always from a SELFISH, OFTEN ABUSIVE place inside.

It’s funny to me, because Jerks attract women by accident. By acting like Jerks, they often naturally attract women, then say “Hey, cool. I can act like a Jerk and women love it.”

Unfortunately, acting like a nice, sensitive guys usually won’t lead to women falling all over you… so you don’t have that same experience of figuring out what works early on by “accident.”

If you want to learn dozens of other ideas to make women feel that ILLOGICAL GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION, then I would highly recommend that you download your copy of my online book “Double Your Dating.” You’ll learn the secrets that have taken me YEARS to figure out, all in an easy, simple format that anyone can use to attract women. Just go to:

[ebook download link]

now and download your copy.

I’ll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,

David D.

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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