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David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating Mailbag

“Q&A: Step Up Your “Hard-To-Getness”” – November 21, 2001

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“Q&A: Step Up Your “Hard-To-Getness”” – November 21, 2001



Once again you da bomb man! Thanks for the initial approach advise inclusion in your monday mailbag. This was the hardest part for me. Now I just say Hi! to a woman when I see and start talking. What to talk about just comes to you once you are in the mode of talking. Also the ladies you usually make comments you can build on, make fun of, and explore further. I just have to push myself to say Hi and rest will take care of itself. Now I have multiple date requests I am trying to juggle! Got another question though. I know you emphasize playing hard to get and I have played that with the ladies I have gone out with. But you know – they play the same game too! I know that this girl does like me and has given few hints that she does but she makes herself inaccessible for some time and then gets back to me. How do I respond to this? Do I just chill? So far I have just acted nonchalant and acted as I am very busy myself.

Any other ideas?



>MY COMMENTS: You made a great point here… if you’ll just approach women and start conversations, they will often pick up and start asking YOU questions. One important factor is your body language», voice, comfort level, etc. If you come across like you’re all freaked out and nervous, then you’re going to make her feel that way, and she’s not going to want to keep it going. But if you say “Hi” in a cool, confident tone of voice, and can keep a relaxed posture, it’s amazing how friendly many women are.

As for your question… YES! Women do play hard to get sometimes, don’t they? My answer is to step up your “hard-to-getness” just a little more.

Here’s the way I look at it: I don’t like head games and drama. But I’ve learned through experience that it just plain works better, and women enjoy it more if you do some things that are “game-like.”

Here’s an example for you…

You call her up to get together, and she says “Well, I’m busy today, so why don’t you call me tomorrow.”

Most guys would say “OK” and just call the next day.

Instead, do this… say “OK, well I’m going to be busy tomorrow, so we’ll talk some other time, Miss Hard-To-Get. OK, talk to you later” all in one breath.

I’ve done three things:

1) I’ve turned up the heat and hit the ball back to her by telling that I’m more busy than her.

2) I’ve been cocky and funny (calling her “Miss Hard-To-Get”)

3) I’ve created TENSION by saying “OK, talk to you later.”

A comment like this in a situation like this will usually get a “Hey, no call me sooner” or a “No, don’t hang up yet” kind of response. Practice it a few times out loud so you can hear how it comes across.

Apply this concept to other situations… and enjoy.


“I’ve been getting your weekly mailbag and other e-mails for over a month now, to try to learn more on how to treat my present girlfriend. And with your help, I’ve learned EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING WRONG with past girlfriends!!!.. Totally amazing! And reading your advice, I keep thinking, that it’s so easy, and so true on what you say. I’ve always came off being too nice/needy of a guy. I am above average looking, and above average built, and have dated quite a few gorgeous women. I had the knack of breaking the ice, so to speak, but my “nice guy” personality pushed them away, and now I know why ! I see your method as a two-part series.. #1, getting the girl, #2, KEEPING the girl!! I’ve never had the problem of #1. #2 is a different story. One piece of advice to your other loyal readers, is that once you get the girl’s number, etc, etc, is to “ADHERE TO THE BOOK, always! keep that way of doing things throughout the relationship!” Take it from a retired “nice/needy” Pro. Needy guys finish last!

>MY COMMENTS: Right now I’m working on my next book, and I’ve been thinking a lot about this exact idea.

Here’s something I was writing about yesterday…

I have a theory that goes something like this: If you want to keep a woman feeling attracted to you, you need to keep up the cocky/funny, independent, hard-to-get attitude for about 10 dates. After 10 dates it’s OK to start being a little more “imperfect”, so to speak.

Don’t get me wrong… keep it up in some degree forever to keep things interesting. And never become predictable and boring… but the first part of the relationship is particularly sensitive. If you start acting too needy and attentive (calling too much, buying lots of gifts, doing favors) early on, you’ll probably either wind up being considered a “friend” or even worse, you’ll wind up getting dumped by a girl that you REALLY like because she felt like you were too needy, serious, and “nice.”


“Here is a quick question.

What is your opinion of eye contact with women? What does it do to them and why is it important to hold it and establish it with woman. I really appreciate your answer because this has been a problem area for me. I used to be very shy and avoid too much eye contact and had women show initial interest in me but then back off saying I was not interested in them. To avoid that now I establish and maintain it for a longer periods of time and it seems to work well. In your opinion why is this so important and what does it do to women?


>MY COMMENTS: Eye contact is a huge topic… and I’m glad you asked this question. I believe that unconsciously, we humans use our eye contact for several main purposes. We use it to establish dominance, to get attention, to show interest, etc. If you use the wrong type of eye contact or lack of contact in the wrong situation, you’ll wind up with the wrong result.

When I first meet a new woman, my eye contact is communicating “I’m interested in talking to you, but I’m not OVERPOWERED by your presence.”

Here’s how:

1) I’ll look directly at them at the beginning of the conversation (usually), and only glance away a few times (so I don’t look like a psycho… lol). This shows that I’m not AFRAID of them, and that they have my attention for the moment.

2) If the conversation progresses, I’ll break up the eye contact with looking away, talking to other people, etc. and then coming back to look directly at them. This shows that I am not needy (again, not looking at them like a psycho).

3) When I get together with a girl for the first time for tea, etc. I’ll actually not look at them very much, instead preferring to act like more of a “best friend.” I’ll joke around and have fun, but not act too serious. By doing this, it creates a question in her mind: “Does he like me?”.

Short answer: Use enough eye contact so that it’s clear to her that you’re not AFRAID of her, but not so much that you intrude on her space. As the conversation progresses, use less and turn up the humor to create tension. Thanks for the email.


“I’ve been talking to this girl using the cockiness and funny combo; and I was able to elicit a lot of good responses. From curiosity to happy-little-girl-vibes…I even got her e-mail, but how do I move into the physical stage with-out looking like a player? And what kinds of touches would she like the most?

An every week reader,


>MY COMMENTS: First of all, great job. Isn’t it easy to get emails? I love it. Getting to the physical stage is a whole different ballgame.

You read my “Kiss Test” on my website, right?

Wait until the time is right, and use that. If that progresses well, then move on to some of the other techniques I outline in “Sex Secrets” -the free bonus manual that was included with my book “Double Your Dating.” You did get your copy, right? Of course…

Hint: Two steps forward, one step back. Kiss her, then stop and talk for a few. Kiss her again, then put your hand behind her back and pull her close as you’re kissing. Then stop. Two forward, one back. Create tension, then progress again.


“hey Dave, read your ebook. Great stuff. A question – what’s your take on office dating/ romance. It’s tempting but most suggest otherwise.


>MY COMMENTS: I personally don’t think that it’s such a good idea to date:

1) Coworkers
2) Close neighbors
3) Relatives of friends
4) Good friends of good friends

The basic idea is that if things crash and burn, you don’t want the bad energy to mess up other relationships in your life or cause strange tension.

For instance, if you live in an apartment and you get involved with the neighbor across the hall… and things get ugly… then every time you see this person, or even worse, every time you and your other female guests see this person, it’s going to be weird.

Here’s what I’d do: Flirt with her a lot, and tell her that she should quit her job because you don’t think it’s a good idea to date coworkers. At some point, one of you is likely to take another job, etc. and then you can take things to the next level. Have fun with her and practice your teasing…


“Hi David,

Recently I’ve attracted a smoking honey ten years younger than myself and had sex with her on the second date. The problem is I am too attracted to her and have made some tactical mistakes thereafter even knowing I’m doing it. The old adage to “never lose your head over a piece of a**” really applies here. My solution: force myself to date other women. Already on the i-net I’m messaging three others after sending out only five responses to profiles and two others wrote me unsolicited. I simply use the techniques you recommend and it works. Confidence and humor. A bit of teasing and a positive spin on what I tell them about me. Bingo. This has changed everything with the one I really want and guess what? I don’t want her so badly anymore and now she’s pursuing me again. Your tips really work and good luck to all the guys smart enough to practice them.



>MY COMMENTS: This is GREAT POINT! If you get to a place where things aren’t working out with a woman that you REALLY like, it’s best to step back, chill out, and date some other women. It’s the one thing that will give you the best chances of getting her to feel attracted to you again… while at the same time realizing that there are other options and keeping your social life going. Great work, and I’m glad you enjoyed the book.


“Dear David,

I just have to say that your book is incredible. I quit using drugs and alcohol over 2 years ago and separated from my girlfriend of 2 years about 6 months ago. I used to have a couple of drinks to “loosen” up and get some courage. With your techniques I don’t need that any more. The techniques you outline in your book, in particular the cocky funny technique has changed the way women view me completely. I went to a nightclub this weekend and had a young girl all over me telling my friends how gorgeous I am. Last time I looked that wasn’t the case. The first girl I met using your technique was a 22 year old stripper who I’m still “Friends” with. It’s awesome. My question however is if I get an email or phone number what is the appropriate time to wait to respond? In your book you talk about an email where you met the person last night. Should I respond in writing the next day? How about if I get a phone number instead of email? Should I call the next day or wait longer?



>MY COMMENTS: Congrantulations on getting your life together. Watch out for the dancers… they often have one or two issues (or 47). As far as how long to wait before you call…

I personally think that this whole issue has been blown out of proportion. I usually call or email the next day. I haven’t found that calling three days later increases my success by an exponential amount. The key is what you say when you call or email. Note: Don’t call an hour after you meet. Give it a day at least so you don’t come across like a needy person.

Glad you’re having success with the eBook materials!

***A few more words…

If you have a success story for me, send it to:

[newsletter sign-up link]

…and put “Success Story” in the subject line! I read those emails first. (Make sure you don’t just hit “reply” to this email. Send to the address above).

If you haven’t taken the step and downloaded your copy of my eBook “Double Your Dating“, then go to:

[ebook download link]

…now and download it. You’ll learn DOZENS of secrets that it’s taken me YEARS to figure out and perfect. It’s something I WISH I would have had when I started learning about how to be more successful with women. And I GUARANTEE that it will help you attract more women.

Talk to you soon.

Your Friend,

David D.

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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