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David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating Mailbag

“How To Overcome Your Natural Fears…” – January 10, 2002

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“How To Overcome Your Natural Fears…” – January 10, 2002

Well, I didn’t expect the response that I got to the last Mailbag!

I’ve had all kinds of people writing in to comment about the letter from the upset woman that I included… And, interestingly enough, all of the emails that I’ve received have been very supportive.

This week I’m going to address this whole topic by answering one of the letters, and giving you some tips to help you overcome some of the social programming and other limiting issues that come up when it comes to being more successful with women.

So here’s one of the many emails I’ve received (this one is more of a comment, so I guess this is really a “comment and answer”):


This is an e-mail from your most recent mailbag I felt I needed to comment on.

[Excerpt from her letter]:

“…You’re also wrong that telling a woman she can’t have what she wants will increase her attraction to you. That’s abuse pure and simple, Dave, and I’m completely outraged that you’re encouraging guys to treat women like that…”

[Excerpt of my response]:

It is NOT abuse to refuse to give a woman what she wants. This is the kind of thinking that, unfortunately, most of us guys confront when we take women on dates, and the woman EXPECTS us to pay. In your model, if I don’t pay, then I’m an abuser.”

It seems that a good 85-90% of women are raised with the mindset that the guy pays for the date or he is a looser. The mere fact that I have to buy a book and learn how not give women what they want has brought me to an shocking reality. Your book is pretty much teaching men how to think like a woman! How to treat women how they have been treating us for thousands of years! I can see why you get the occasional e-mail from the enraged woman. Women don’t like the fact that if all men stop drooling over them, come to their senses and realize we don’t really need them, they are just an “added bonus” in life the human species will become extinct! Mentally you are breaking down human instinct by programming the male mind to realize he does not need sex (changing what millions of years of evolution has created), and in turn boosting confidence which actually results in more sex! I finally found out what women’s little secret is. Society teaches them your book thru years of experience with the “un- experienced” male. Hell, you should sue for a copyright infringement.



…Now, let’s talk about what’s really going on here…

First, a thought from an old friend of mine:

“Men allow themselves to be completely controlled by something the size of a quarter.”

Are you with me?

I get emails from guys by the dozens, no, probably by the HUNDREDS, that say some version of:

“David, I need your help. My girlfriend left me, and I want to get her back… please help, this is really important.”

…or the other related dilemma…

“David, I really need your help. There’s this girl that I REALLY REALLY like, and I need some special magic technique to get her.”

Now, I may be stupid, but I’m not dumb. Underneath many of these cries for help lies THIS idea:

“David, I am out of control. I have given my power and control to a woman who has left already/isn’t here yet and feel immobilized and desperate. Please help me get this woman so I can feel OK again.”

I know you’ve probably never felt this way. Me either. …lol…

I can still remember when my girlfriend who lived 2,000 miles away broke up with me because she wanted to date other guys.

I actually dropped everything in my life, got on a GREYHOUND BUS, and rode for three days to go beg for her to take me back.

And you can probably guess what happened…

Right. She played with my head, and sent me home on another bus a few days later.

Now, this was about 10 years ago. Thank God I can afford to fly these days. Those buses are nasty!

But I digress…

So what was my point? Who knows.

My point was that I was controlled by the quarter! For some unexplainable reason, when I heard that she wanted to break up, I went into a semi-crazy mental state, and lost touch with reality. I started acting like getting the quarter back was the most important thing in the world. And at that time, it was.

And why was it so important?

Ah hah! Ahhh Hahhh!


For some reason, it seems to me that when a guy either 1) Meets a woman that he REALLY likes, or 2) Has a girlfriend leave him… he goes into some kind of hallucination that he must have her at all cost, or else he’ll be unhappy for eternity.

Now, here’s an interesting question:

“Do women know this?” And if so, do they ever use this particular quirk of male social and biological programming to their benefit?


So let’s get back to the letter from the angry woman in the mailbag.

Stop for a minute and ask yourself… “What got this woman so upset?”

Here’s my guess:

1. She benefits if men give her what she wants.

2. It’s much easier for her to get what she wants if men buy into this whole “Only have sex with women who you’re in a committed relationship with” idea.

3. MOST IMPORTANTLY, if men realize that they don’t really NEED a woman (or sex, for that matter) to be happy and fulfilled, and if they stop buying into this social conditioning of “Take her on dates, buy her things, give her what she wants, and then if you’re lucky she’ll chose to give you sex at some point” then the GAME IS OVER.

Sometimes women get really upset when I let the cat out of the bag… lol…

Now, I’m really belaboring a point here… and probably beating a horse that’s almost dead… but I REALLY want to emphasize something.

Most of us guys walk around ASLEEP, and we wake up only when we’re in trouble. Instead of working out our insecurities and fears in ADVANCE, so we can be strong in the tough moments, we wait until the situation is desperate, then try to run around and find a quick fix.

And we put WAAAAAY too much power in the hands of women, when we should just relax and keep our power for ourselves.

If I would have been wiser when my girlfriend called to tell me that she was breaking up with me, I would have said “Great. If you want to see other people, have fun. I’ll talk to you later.”

And then I should have gone out and met three other nice women the next day and gotten on with my life. She would have called a week or two later to “see how I was doing”, and I would have said | “I’m great. I’ve met a couple of nice girls, and I’m getting on with my life. Talk to you later” which, of course, would have made her want more than ANYTHING to get me back.

And if the guys who write me day in and day out who feel desperate because their girlfriend has left them, or because they’ve met a girl that they just HAVE to have would just CHILL OUT and realize that the very act of giving away their power like this almost GUARANTEES that they aren’t going to get what they want, they’d start doing better.

By the way, it might sound like I’m coming across a little strong here. Sometimes I might sound like I think that there is some kind of huge conspiracy against men, and that women are the enemy. Not so. I just believe that there’s a lot more going on than we’re willing to face. And if we take the time, we can get FAR better results when dealing with women (and ourselves as well).

To wrap up:

This commentary has been all over the map, yet I feel like I’ve made my point clear (in a foggy sort of way).

When I sat down to write my book “Double Your Dating“, I really wanted to create something that helped other guys realize how important it is to understand the psychology of what’s going on in male/female interactions.

And I wanted to show them a new perspective based on YEARS of my personal mistakes and experiments… a perspective that would make them FEEL DIFFERENT inside, and FEEL LIKE THEY COULD BE EMPOWERED WHEN IT CAME TO WOMEN AND DATING.

I don’t teach men to be jerks, I teach them to be challenging. I don’t teach them to be abusive, I teach them to be cocky, funny, and attractive.

There are a lot of pieces to the puzzle, but once you start to put them together, you start to see things the way they REALLY are, rather than seeing them through the eyes of desperation and neediness.

If you haven’t read my book, of course you need to read it. You can download it right now and be reading it in a few minutes… just go to:

[ebook download link]

…now and check it out. I think of that book as a mental RESET button for your brain. It teaches you how to overcome this crazy system of thinking that a lot of us guys get into. Oh, and it also teaches you a whole BUNCH of specific techniques as well for being successful with women. Try it. You’ll like it.

OK, my fingers are tired. I’ll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,

David D.

P.S. Send your questions, comments, and success stories to me at:

[newsletter sign-up link]

…don’t just hit “reply” to this email. And make sure you keep your stories, comments, and questions short. I will be much more likely to answer you if you give me a good success story, and you keep it short and to the point. Thanks.

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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