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David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating Mailbag

“Q&A: Meeting Women In Bars” – April 7, 2002

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“Q&A: Meeting Women In Bars” – April 7, 2002

This Mailbag is FULL of great ideas. Enjoy.


“My best friend and I have always been on the “nice guy” kick. I’m sure you already know exactly what’s that gotten us too. Before I started getting your newsletter, he and I had noticed something about a great many women. While true, we saw a lot of nice looking women with nice dressed men, we noticed more with scummy looking, tattooed, pierced all over kind of guys. Your logic hadn’t exactly occurred to me. We figured maybe we should grow our hair long and nappy. Get visible tattoos and piercings. Drink, maybe drugs would help too. And smack em around a few times just to let em know “we care”, as many women in abusive relationships seem to defend their man. Although we’d never actually DO those things. Your way seems to work a lil better. I’ve always been kind of a smartass anyway. Women DO seem to like it. But, usually I’m not that way with them until I get to know them better. Or, let them get to know ME better, as it were…”

>MY COMMENTS: I know… it doesn’t really make sense at first glance, does it? I mean, why would an attractive woman overlook all of the successful, nice guys that are available… the guys that would like to buy them things and take them out… the guys that would kiss up to them and do anything for them… and instead choose abusive jerk-types for dating and sex?

The short answer, in case you don’t already know it is:


Attraction doesn’t follow the same rules as friendship.

Attraction is triggered by something other than “nice.”

And one of the biggest obstacles to guys “getting” this is that we don’t realize that attraction works completely differently for women than it does for men.

Stay tuned for more.


“Hey Dave,

I’ve gone from a shy, only-talking-to-girls-I-meet-online- fellow, to a talk-to-you-at-the-drop-of-a-hat type of guy, and it’s all thanks to you! I came up with a rather cocky/funny approach about a month ago and since then I’ve met 6 girls for coffee. 2 of them happened to be physical therapy majors and both of them offered to give me some “sexual healing.” Anyway, I work at my school’s gym so I get to see girls in there little shorts, hehe. I would call the prospect over to the desk I’m at and ask her if she’s single. If she says yes, I respond, “so if I did this, (start running my finger through her hair while I whisper in her ear I wanted to lay her down and kiss her from head to toe and back up again) “you wouldn’t have to deal with telling your b/f you’ve begun seeing someone else?” And being that they’re on their way to the cardio room, I have just enough time to use use your “gimme your e-mail & phone number thing.” By the way, I’m a relatively short guy (5’5) so really, it is all your approach. On a side note, I have 4 girls from online that I’ve made plans to link up with for a midnite rendezvous. ‘course the number is higher but only these four are in my area. Anyway, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK PLAYA!!!!”

>MY COMMENTS: Well, now you’ve done it…

Your story actually sounds UN-real! lol… but I’ll also tell you something from personal experience…


It’s so hard for most men who have never had any success with women to identify with a story like yours. They’ll say “Well, it’s because you work at the gym” or “He’s probably in good shape” or whatever.

While these things may be true, you also mentioned something else in your story: YOU DIDN’T USE TO BE THIS WAY, AND NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE MINDSET AND HOW TO USE IT, YOU ARE.

By the way, isn’t that Marvin Gaye technique SWEEEEEET?



Keep up the good work! It helped be bag (or should I say bed) a 25-year-old cutie. I’m 35.

After sleeping together five times during the last three weeks, she suddenly asked me if she could start introducing me as her boyfriend. I like her, don’t really need to sleep with other women (for now), but got uneasy: I currently fear commitment of any sort, having recently left a five-year relationship.

So what I said, without losing a beat, nor my humor, was, “Gee, I guess you could call me anything you want!”

Not sure this was the best way out. Your opinion?”


>MY COMMENTS: So you used the old bag-and-bed technique on her, eh?

Even though I don’t discuss the big “R” word very often (relationships), I’d like to make a quick comment.

When I first start seeing a woman, I like to tell her what my perspective is on relationships. I feel that it makes everything go more smoothly, whether it turns into a relationship or not. And it goes a little something like this:

“I think that people get into relationships too fast. I think that two people should wait a MINIMUM of a few months before they even think about it. I have to know someone before I’m running around calling them my g-friend.”

This is a very condensed version, but you get the point.

A point to remember: I REALLY BELIEVE THIS. So I’m not just saying something I don’t believe in order to manipulate her.

And, as a side note: I promote the idea that men should understand how the whole men-women-attraction-sex thing works… but I don’t like the idea of lying, manipulating, and misleading people just to get what you want. It’s a challenge to stay in the zone of having integrity, being honest, and staying true to yourself… while at the same time learning new techniques that can, at first, feel like you’re “manipulating”. You don’t have to lie, cheat, or mislead in order to be successful with women. So don’t.


“Hey Dave,

I’m your typical average looking “nice guy” who has never been overly successful with the ladies. Oh, it’s always been easy for me to make friends with the women, even the drop-dead gorgeous ones. But it’s been next to impossible to turn those friendships into anything romantic or sexual. All that has changed dramatically since reading your eBook. Thank you.

My question is concerning older women. I am 34, but due to my job I get to meet a lot of older women (40s and 50s) of the upper class “country club” persuasion (many former trophy wives in this group). With a combination of superiors genes, personal trainers and plastic surgeons, a large percentage of these women are extremely attractive (and wealthy). So far I haven’t tried out the cocky/funny routine on any of them — being a little intimidated by the age difference — but there are several I would love to date. Any comments or advice on using this technique on older women?”

>MY COMMENTS: Older, more sophisticated women will LOVE it if you use a sophisticated cocky+funny approach.

I mean, cummon… what are all of these women looking for more than anything?


Cocky+Funny is the universal code language for “You’re kind of hot… so let’s get party started”.

By the way, the problem you mentioned at the beginning of your letter here of it being “…next to impossible to turn those friendships into anything romantic or sexual…” caught my eye.


Trying to turn a woman who you’ve made friends with and convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’re a nice, wussy-boy is like trying to get your MOM do date you.

EEEwwwww. All this talk of friends, older ladies, dating, and moms just isn’t working for me. You get the point…

Start out by turning on the ATTRACTION… you don’t want her to see you as “friend” EVER!


“Hey David,

…what do I say when a woman I haven’t talked to in a while (whom I’m interested in) asks about my love life? I want her to know I’m single, but desired by others. Some cocky/funny ideas would be greatly appreciated.



>MY COMMENTS: I’m going to let you in on a little secret:

If a woman knows you’re dating other women, she’ll be FAR more likely to be interested in you.


So don’t downplay it.

Remember, we humans (and especially women who have competition) LOVE a good challenge. Even though we whine about it, kick and scream, and resist, there’s nothing that will get a person’s attention like a challenge that they’re willing to face.

You’re on the right track looking for a way to bring the cocky+funny mindset to the table.

How about these:

Her: “So, tell me about your love life.”

You: “Have you ever heard of James Bond? You get the idea.”


Her: “So, are you seeing anyone special?”

You: “What do you mean by “special?” No, I wouldn’t call any of them “special”… unless you’re talking about not being the sharpest tool in the shed… in that case, yes, I’m seeing a couple of ‘special’ women.”

Get the idea?

Your answers are saying “I’m confident enough to make jokes about it” while still implying that you’re going out with several women.



I truly believe that this is a great site. I am learning a whole lot about the opposite sex. I saw myself in the last story. I had meet this beautiful girl at a club. I walked up to her we started communicating for almost 30min. So i asked her to dance she then told me no. So i thought to myself why would she say no after having a great conversation. I then asked for her telephone number-she again said no. She then went and danced with another guy after she told me she is not in a dancing mood. While dancing with this guy she kept looking towards my direction. But i played it cool-as if i did not have a care in the world. So i left the club- The following weekend i saw her again-but did not look into her direction but she then walked up to me and started talking. So i kept the conversation brief by telling her that i am talking to my friends. She then asked if i want to dance, i told her again i am talking to my friends. Anyway by the end of the night she asked for my number and i gave it to her. Now we have been hanging out for a few weeks but here is my question.

We have chilled at my place and her place. Eat dinner, she has spend the night at my place and i at her place. But no Sex. She refuse to have sex (as she say not yet b/c it changes things). I mean we have kiss, undressed each other but no sex. I do believe that she is playing a power game. She wants to control the sex part. I think i pamper her too much and i am losing control of my stance(open doors, cook dinner-breakfast, out to eat etc). I really like her.

What you think.


>MY COMMENTS: lol… please forgive me for laughing at what must be a painful experience for you… LOL!


OK, so here’s my analysis:

1) She knew that she owned you from the very beginning.

2) You did the right thing by not acting overly-anxious at the second meeting.

3) She probably said to herself: “Oh, he’s playing hard to get, huh? Well, I’ll bet that he’s really just a wussy-boy that I can have some fun with… so let’s find out.”

4) SHE KNOWS THAT YOU WANT HER BADLY. And, as you probably learned in economics, price goes up as demand goes up.

5) You sure do have a keen sense of the obvious with your assessment of “I do believe she is playing a power game” and your ability to discern that she’s controlling the sex.

6) You need to turn the tables around, stop needing her so badly, and STOP ACTING LIKE A WUSSY!

OK, so how do you do this? Well, the short answer is:

[ebook download link]

Spend a few hours with that material, and you’ll know what to do. I guarantee it.


“Thanxs dave for the awesome tips!!!!!! But I have one important question on my mind I need to ask you. When I approach a girl that I find attractive. What are some things I can say to make a bit of a long conversation between me and that girl?

Well, I hope you can answer this one, because sometimes it leaves me with wonders and stuttors of what to say next.



>MY COMMENTS: WHY IN THE WORLD would you want to “…make a bit of a long conversation…”?!

Long conversations are for girly-men who want a woman to see them as a friend-only. Conversation isn’t the answer when you first meet a woman.

You want her DIGITS! The info!

Use the 3-Minute email technique, get her email and number, and email her later.

How do I know that this is the right answer for you?

Simple. If you had the skills required to engage in a long conversation with a woman you’ve just met… in a public place… and have her leave feeling attracted to you, then you never would have asked this question in the first place.

Once you’ve learned how to make women feel ATTRACTION, then go try things like “…long conversation with women you’ve just met…”


“Hello David! Your cocky/funny strategy works like a charm! Since i’ve been on your email list, the number of messages on my answering machine have been steadily growing. YOU ARE THE MAN! And to tell you the truth, the question I have in mind actually stems off of the; over- the-top-success, of your cocky/funny strategy. So here it goes: Im sure every guy who’s ever dated has heard of the infamous “three day rule”…. and to some extremes, the “one week rule” (this rule is so famous im not gonna bother to explain it). Through my experiences in using your cocky and funny techniques, it creates a VERY LARGE amount of attraction, so much in fact women often call me right after the first date… sometimes it only takes a couple hours. Now from what I understand usually women don’t call after the first date, and usually waits for the guy to call. But when im in the situation where women call/email me frantically, should I just ignore them and follow the “three day rule”? Or would this give off the unattractive “wussy/desperate vibe”?

Houston, Tx”

>MY COMMENTS: You’re a very, very, very bad man.

Making those poor women pine away over you for three whole days?

OK, here’s the deal:

When most guys go out with a woman, they do boring things, take her to a boring dinner or movie, act nervous and uncomfortable, kiss up to her, and do all of the things they can possibly do wrong.

If you do these things, you’re going to need to employ things like “the three day rule” and such.

But, if you do what YOU’RE DOING, and treat a woman to a challenging, fun experience of cocky+funny, you’re going to see something interesting happen.

Women are going to start thinking about you… A LOT.

And if you don’t call right away, they’re going to be wondering if you like them, trying to get in touch with you to see if you’re with other women, and all kinds of unexpected things.

Being scarce is a good thing.

If I were you, I’d call her a day after she calls or emails you. That should create sufficient tension and amplify the attraction.

My personal perspective: Don’t call a woman more than two or three times a week, and don’t see her more than once or twice (for the first ten dates or so). It just makes things work out a lot better in my experience.



Great book. I’ll get right to the point.

How can you tell if the girl you’re dating is a wacko (I’m sure you’ve met a few)? By ‘wacko’ I mean the following: How do you tell if she’s the type that really wants slight emotional abuse? How do you gauge her self-esteem quickly and early? How do you tell if she’s the type that can’t take it when you try to do something nice for her? How do you tell if she’s a female player?

Clearly, I’ve discovered, that I have no chance with women like these. So it’s important to be able to see these things as early as possible. Any signs you look for?



>MY COMMENTS: This is a GREAT question. And I think that it’s a timely question as well. It seems to me that there are more and more un-healthy people running around out there. It’s a good idea to look out for them.

One of the reasons why I suggest not getting too involved with a woman too fast is that SHE MIGHT BE A PSYCHO!

Don’t laugh… I’ve had it happen to me. Once upon a time I fell for a woman too quickly, moved in with her, then found out she was basically a psycho. It was a huge bummer.

So what are the warning signs?

Well, watch out for women who:

1) Talk too much about who they know, how much money they spend on frivolous things, and what social events are important to be seen at. Bad news. These are usually signs of a very unhealthy personality.

2) Say they’re sorry for everything, make excuses for everything, and act overly-self-conscious. Low self esteem here… which is difficult to deal with.

3) Want to spend every minute with you, and want to know where you are at all times. Overly-jealous, possessive women will make your life hell.

4) Get very emotional. Women who get upset about things, let other people’s drama affect their lives, want to complain about their situation, etc. will drag you down. If a woman starts getting too emotional about something too early on, consider hitting the road.

5) Are too shy. If a woman is too shy, it’s going to be hard for you to ever have meaningful communication or fun. Women who are shy have often not learned how to communicate well… which makes it hard to enjoy your time with them.

As a rule of thumb, TRUST YOUR STOMACH. If your stomach tells you that something is wrong, then something probably IS wrong. Don’t assume that just because a woman is attractive she’s also psychologically healthy. That’s the fast lane to trouble.

Thanks for the great question.


“First of all Hi.

I am not from a English spoken countries, so my English is not to good but I hope that you will understand me.

One of the last newsletter QUESTION was. “When I ask for the phone number, women often ask “what do you need it for?” Does it mean that they are not interested or I didn’t do the talking well before or they just challenger me? If it’s a challenge, what would be a high-quality response?

So here is one response that works..

SHE: “what do you need it for?”

ME: well, I can tell you a what will happened to you in the future, if I only take a quick look at combinations of digits of your phone number..

SHE: yeah right…

ME: OK.. allow me to prove you. (and I gave her a paper and pen, she wrote it down, I put the paper in my pocket, smile to her and say. well it was nice to meet you. but I have to go now to find my friends, and I turned my back. than she grab my sleeve and asked.

SHE: hey. and what about my future..???

ME: I smiled to her and said “I thought that you don’t believe in prophecy “

(I take out the paper look at it and said) I can tell that since now you didn’t have much luck with males. But don’t worry your luck is about to change, an very sexy looking and intelligent guy is about to call you in Monday to go out with him, and he will completely change your life and make you happy.

sorry again for my English but I hope that you understand what I was talking about. if you find this text as interesting and liked to publish it in newsletters you have my permission to change and adapt it to people from English spoken areas..


>MY COMMENTS: Well, your English may not be perfect, but your way of dealing with this situation is great.



“Dear David,

I have been using the cocky funny method for some time now with tons of success. For example I will go up to a girl, start walking with her, and say “Have you ever walked with a more sexy man?” OR “Does it upset you to be walking with such a sexy man because nobody is looking at you and everyone is looking at me?”…or if a girl just looks at me I will go over and say something like “I know you want me for my sexy body, but I am tired of feeling like just an object to women. I am tired of women always staring at me and wanting my body.” Anyways I just keep playing along like that and I have really mastered the technique. I have some of the hottest girls talking to the average looking guy (me) and what is best is they are always laughing, smiling and giving me their numbers and emails.

Now to my question. I have found 2 girls (after getting many numbers and emails…and emails are the best to get!) that I really like. How do I and when do I transition from cocky/funny to a relationship? It seems like what cocky/funny gets me is more girlFRIENDS (emphasis on FRIENDS) not relationships because I don’t know how to make the transition from cocky/funny to relationship. Always having fun.



>MY COMMENTS: Well, the problem isn’t that cocky+funny leads to friends, it’s that you’re NOT TAKING THE NEXT STEP. I think you’re a bit pre-mature to think that you have to go right to a “relationship.”

I have several friends who are very funny… and women love them… but they just won’t take things to the next level.

Have you used The Kiss Test?

Have you used the other methods I teach for taking things to a physical level?

Have you read my book?

>>From the sounds of it, probably not.

There are 10 major steps from the first meeting to the bedroom. And there is a way to “bridge” each of these so that the transition from one to the next is smooth and easy. If you understand the steps, then things will be likely to work, but if you don’t, then things are probably going to be harder for you.

If you get a copy of my eBook “Double Your Dating” you’ll also get three bonus booklets along with it.

One of them is called “Bridges“, and it’s all about how to smoothly move from one step to the next.

Another one is called “Sex Secrets”. It’s all about how to make a woman feel very sexually aroused and attracted to you.

Check these out. They’ll be a HUGE help to you.



I saw a great example of your advice to be cocky and funny in initial contact with chicks.

I was at a country/western bar last Thursday. It was “Ladies Night” but there were not a lot of ladies in there. At the edge of the dance floor I saw a table with five women and an open table right next to them. I talked a little bit to them while the band members were warming up their guitars and checking the sound system.

The band played a set, but only one couple danced. I was trying to figure out a way to ask one of the women in the group to dance, when this other guy saunters up to their table, points with his thumb back toward the bar and says, “The boss told me I’ll have to ask you women to leave.” Well…that got their attention. All of them wanted to know why. So, this joker says, “Because none of you even knows how to dance.” The women were beside themselves by now, really jacked-up, and everyone of them told him they knew how to dance and that they all danced well. This guys shakes his head, then looks at each one of them and says, “Okay, prove it. I’ll dance with each one of you everytime the band plays a new song. If you know what you’re doing you can stay…if you are just here to look beautiful and recirculate air…then I’m bouncing you outside.”

Now, none of these women were overly attractive, but he just kept it up. He points at all of them and says “Show me you’re more than just a pretty face.” The guy danced with all of them, and pretended he was checking them off by giving a thumbs-up to the bartender (who didn’t know what the flip the guy was doing.)

By now, the women had caught on and invited him to just stay there and sit with them. He spent the rest of the night making them laugh about every other minute with stupid stories about his guard dog rotweiler named “Muffy”…fish he’d caught that looked like Hillary Clinton or Hollywood actresses…and other malarkey. Once, when one of the women cracked a one liner, he pointed at her and said, “I’ll do the jokes around here…thank you very much.” Which made them laugh even harder.

Now check this out. He goes out on the floor and swings with two of them. When I asked another one of them to dance, we come back to the table and this guy says, “Man, I turn my back for a second and some cowpoke starts bird-dogging my lookers.” The girl I danced with cracks up and says, “Well, you already had one for each hand.” This hammerhead doesn’t miss a beat, he says, “Hey, I got a belt loop in back you coulda hung on to, you know.”

David, this guy was the poster boy for what you preach. Keep it up, buddy. Cocky and funny make it happen


>MY COMMENTS: I don’t know what to say. Read this story again… it’s great!


“David, just a quik note, I have been skeptical of the advice, but Saturday Morning, i had to give it a try, couldnt resist. and well, damned if it didnt work. I work at a large motor company, where we were doing a 2 hour radio remote just south of Atlanta. The radio crew consisted of 2 djs and about half a dozen Hard bodied girls on location. As a professional photographer, i brought a camera rig to do some promo shots for the car dealership. Things went well, used all the “cocky but funny lines with the chicks, had them laughing and rolling. At the end of the promo, they asked me to stand in with them for a photo, (which i did oblige) and really, i loved this one, as i was surrounded by all these gorgeous babes, i used the line” normally, women like you are intimidated by my charm, and good looks” Worked like a charm!!! got half a dozen email addresses. gonna down load your book now, my friend, Thanks


Mcdougnah, Ga”

>MY COMMENTS: You’re trying to tell me that you’re a PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER, and you’re just now learning how to hook up with the fabulous beauties that you take pictures of? Better late than never… lol.


“Hi David,

Let me start by giving you my thanks. Your book not only changed my life, but it greatly improved it. I had no idea that arrogance and humor was the key to success with women. I have read many dating books out there, and yours BY FAR was the most beneficial. The others included a lot of non-sense, but yours just MAKES SENSE. That is why I ordered it.

Now, to my question. This cocky / funny attitude works like a charm, but I find it somewhat conflicting with the subject of chivalry (opening doors for the ladies, pulling out the chair, paying for their dinner, or as other books call it: being a gentleman). You have already addressed gifts as not necessary, which I agree with, but you have not addressed chivalry or have you? If you did, could you give me the page number? I think many of us are wondering what to do when we are on those really formal dates that come up from time to time. In some instances, wouldn’t it be insulting not to pull out the chair for instance? Thanks a million bro.

your fan,

Seattle, WA


>MY COMMENTS: Chivalry does not conflict with my concepts. In fact, one of my favorite things to do is SEND MIXED MESSAGES.

I think Chivalry is great. Open doors. Pull out chairs. Walk on the outside of the sidewalk. Open HER door if SHE’S driving (big hit). Order for her.

Mix this with the other things I teach, and you’ll have dynamite.

Oh, and for the benefit of all other readers, I’m going to repeat part of your email to me:


It amazes me that a man will eagerly spend fifty or a hundred bucks to take a woman out to dinner… and do this over and over again… KNOWING that he doesn’t understand what to do in order to make a woman feel attraction… but that same guy will hesitate and think about it when it comes to spending $39.95 to learn how to actually be successful with women (And the book comes with a 100% no-hassle money-back guarantee, while dinner dates do not). Go figure.

If you’re ready to learn how to do things SMARTER, I’d recommend you download a copy of my eBook “Double Your Dating“. Just go to:

[ebook download link]

…and get it. You’ll be glad you did.

And I’ll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,

David D.

P.S. If you’d like to send me a Success Story, Question, or Comment, follow these guidelines:

1) Keep it short and to the point. Two paragraphs max.

2) Tell me what’s working for you before you ask your question. I appreciate all of the “Your stuff is great” and “I don’t need to tell you how well your stuff works” comments, but the fact is that I DO need to hear all of the specifics… because this helps other guys to see what’s working in different situations.

3) If you have a Success Story, write “Success Story” in the subject line of the email. I read these first.

4) At the end of the email, give me your initials and tell me where you’re from.

5) Send it to me at:

[newsletter sign-up link]

…don’t just hit “reply” to this email. Thanks!

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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