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“Getting Over Fear Of Women” – June 30, 2002

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“Getting Over Fear Of Women” – June 30, 2002


To me, “Fear Of Women” is a particularly interesting challenge to me. It’s interesting for a few reasons:

1) As men, we’re expected to overcome fear, slay dragons, and generally act tough in the face of those things that cause us to fear.

2) Men like to act “tough”. They don’t like to admit that they need help. Us guys want to do it ourselves. We see needing help as a sign of weakness, which we think is BAD.

3) When you combine these two things, you get a man who is afraid of something that he LOGICALLY shouldn’t be afraid of (it doesn’t make sense to fear a woman), but who is unwilling to admit that he has the fear – which leads to a state of “quiet desperation”. It’s a trap, and there’s no way out.

And to confuse matters further, we get messages like “Be more confident” all the time – as if this thing called “confidence” is the solution to fear (and in this case, fear of women).

I dealt with this issue personally for several years.

If I was out and saw a woman that I wanted to meet, I would get instantly nervous and fearful. I had no idea what to say or do, and it would LOCK ME UP.

I decided that the problem I was dealing with was my “low confidence”, so I set to work to gain more.

I assumed that if I could get more confidence in myself, that my fear and nervousness would go away, and I would be able to just walk up and start conversations without any problem at all.

After reading several books on the topic, and trying all kinds of things to raise my confidence level, I WAS STILL HAVING THE PROBLEM.

Around this same time, I was getting to know a lot of guys who were successful with women. I found something VERY interesting: Many of the guys who are good with women still get nervous when they approach them! They have just learned how to manage that little biological nervousness and get on with what they want to do in the situation.

This was a major revelation to me.

Just realizing this allowed me to think from a new perspective. It also made it “all right” for me to go and approach women, even though I was still getting nervous.

And, by approaching a lot of women, I became very familiar with the situations, which led to my nervousness getting less and less…

All of these things led me to a personal realization:


In other words, instead of trying to get this “thing” called confidence, I started working on eliminating my personal insecurities.

I began to realize that the reason I was getting nervous was because at an unconscious level, I was PERCEIVING that:

-She has the power, I have no power.
-She has what I want, I have nothing she wants.
-She is attractive, I am average.
-I want her, she doesn’t even know who I am.
-I will be interrupting her if I start talking.
-I don’t deserve a woman like that.

It was all about insecurity, uncertainty, seeing myself as less than her, and thinking that as an attractive woman she has no reason to be interested in me.

In my mind, I was always trying to think of some kind of unique, original thing to say so I would IMPRESS her… and she could see me as the interesting, creative guy that I imagined she wanted.

Well, after working on this for a long time, I have come to the following NEW realizations:

1) The opposite of fear isn’t confidence. The opposite of fear is absence of fear.

2) Confidence can help, but it isn’t the only answer to this particular issue.

3) The MAJOR issue is insecurity. Once a person can get past their insecurity, they are more free to develop and succeed.

4) The only power a woman has over you is that which you give her – either on a conscious level or on an unconscious level.

5) If you have issues with fear, nervousness, insecurity, etc., it’s a good idea to put aside your tough, manly, “I don’t need any help” side, and go find a solution.


If you want to go to the extra effort to cultivate actual CONFIDENCE, then you need to realize something: Confidence isn’t a THING, it’s a SKILL and a complex emotional/physical state that can be learned, which can then be transferred into an unconscious state and state of mind.

But there is another side to things…

WATCH OUT with confidence, because humans that become confident often become intoxicated with their new-found power, and they over-use or even abuse it. Overconfidence leads to real arrogance… and to the dark side. So if you’re going to learn how to be confident», learn how to do it in a way that respects other people, not in a way that turns them into objects for you to manipulate.

As you learn these skills, don’t get addicted to your own power and let it turn you into a manipulator.


So how do you go about getting past insecurity?

Great questions… and I have an exercise for you to use:

1) Go out and talk to 100 women over the next 30 days, and keep a record of everything that happens. Talk to 3 new women every day for 30 days.

2) DON’T make any attempts to pursue these women in a romantic way. In fact, make sure you approach each situation with the idea that you are NOT going to have any interactions with the woman ever again.

3) Your only objective when talking to one of these 100 women is to MAKE THEM SMILE. A good friend of mine who goes by the nickname of “Orion” taught me this. Your goal is to give each woman the gift of a smile.

4) After making 100 women smile WITHOUT THE POSSIBLITY THAT ANYTHING ELSE CAN COME IF IT, you will begin to realize that you DO have something to offer a woman who doesn’t know you, and you’ll see evidence that you can give it to her.

5) Keep a journal of all 100 interactions, so you can see your progress.


Write me an email at: [newsletter sign-up link] and tell me about your journey. I want to hear your story.

Of course, there are a lot of other things you can do to eliminate your insecurity. Self-Image exercises, real-world drills, visualization and affirmation, mentors, and all kinds of other great options are out there.

In my eBook “Double Your Dating” I teach some of my own personal Self-Image exercises and other techniques for eliminating insecurity. In fact, Chapter 2 is all about the “inner game” and learning how to overcome some of these issues. If you haven’t downloaded your copy yet, just go to:

[ebook download link]

…and get it now. (Of course, it’s also jam packed with techniques for meeting and dating women!)

And I’ll talk to you again in a couple of days.

Your Friend,

David D.

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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