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“Q&A: Why Attraction Happens” – October 12, 2002

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“Q&A: Why Attraction Happens” – October 12, 2002

This week I got an interesting email.

It’s from a guy who wrote me to give me an interesting perspective about the concept of ATTRACTON. It’s rather long, and it goes rather deep (kind of like me)… but it’s also fascinating (also like me).



Dear David,

I have been receiving your emails for some time, and of course found your concepts to be intriguing. The purpose of this mail is not so much to share any success stories I may have had as a result of your techniques, but more to point out an insight that I recently had as to why it is that your “rules” actually work – from a perhaps pseudo scientific perspective.

To give u a little background, I have been twice divorced (because of a compulsive gambling problem…).

I am rather well known on the Johannesburg party scene (pretty hectic for those of you in the know) – even at the ripe old age of 42. I have found that the cocky and funny routine works exceptionally well and have struggled to understand it for a long time, as it goes against the grain of what we might commonly believe to be logical. What follows is a brief synopsis of why I think this may be the case.

In the course of my extramural activities as a Compulsive Gambling counsellor – OK!, I admit that I too can come up with the odd line such as “If you blow my mind I promise not to think in your mouth” – which achieves the desired results – I came across a gem.

For most people it is difficult to understand why something like gambling can become an addiction. And yet, ATTRACTION is also…now that I perceive it this way …also a form of addiction…and here is why.

The brain has a part of it responsible for the release of a powerful adrenaline called dopamine. This has a more powerful effect than any man made hallucinogenic. The release of dopamine is controlled by an area of the brain known as the anterior cingulate (AC). Recent studies on man, ape and other animals has shown that this part of the brain behaves in rather strange ways.

When the mind gets something that is unexpected (such as a win in the case of an early stage gambler – or an “insult” to a beautiful woman who is used to an entirely different response) then the AC fires and dopamine is released.

When we do NOT get something that we EXPECT to get…then the AC also fires. (Such as a 10/10 bird expecting to receive some form of adoration – and NOT getting it) However….and this is the key….when we receive the stimulus that we expect to get, the AC remains silent.

This research is well documented and the functioning of the AC is neither my concept nor my preserve of expertise. However, I would like to propose that this form of functioning – and whether it remains within the domain of the AC or in some other area of the brain remains to be seen – is precisely what is going on when we are attracted to someone.

Without going into too much boring detail….perhaps it is just possible that all forms of human attraction are governed by the same rules. We find women to be attractive, not only because of their physical beauty but also precisely because they always do what we do not expect them to do and likewise often do not do the things that we do expect. This has some primal locus in the survival mechanism.

Similarly, attractive (should I rather say beautiful) women come to expect certain reactions from men simply because that is what they have learned to expect. After a while, the AC learns to assimilate this as a given or expected response and thus no longer gives the female brain (bearing in mind that the same reaction occurs in men) the shot of dopamine it craves. It doesnt get its fix. So when someone comes along that either does something completely unexpected or alternatively does not do what is expected, then the AC fires and the brain receives its fix – for the time being until the unexpected becomes the expected. This would explain why people get bored with each other after a certain time, and it is interesting to note that research has shown that it takes about two to three years for a gambling (or any other form of addiction) to manifest as such. Odd that it also seems to take about the same length of time for humans to become bored with each other and seek out another mate – although societal conditioning seems to prohibit us from really making a break at this stage.

The trick as far as the maintenance of a long term relationship is concerned, perhaps, is to regularly change tactics.

To conclude, I propose that there may well be some considerable logic behind attraction between the sexes, and that this is based in the same mechanism that causes addiction in people. Attraction is merely another form of addiction.


Johannesburg, South Africa


Thank you, I really enjoyed your email.

In my 3 day intensive dating seminars I spend a lot of time teaching how and why ATTRACTION happens… including the evolutionary, emotional, psychological, and other “not very thought about” aspects that really need to be understood in order to become GREAT at attracting women.

There is a region of the brain that is closely related to the area that you’ve described called “Broca’s Region”. This area is linked to language and prediction. Broca’s region is constantly predicting what’s about to happen, and it’s constantly watching out for the UNPREDICTABLE. If something unpredictable happens, it alerts the rest of the brain, and a person’s attention is immediately focused on that thing. On the other hand, if what happens is predictable, then it is automatically discounted and kept out of awareness.

A problem that most guys have is that they do things that are very, very predictable, and therefore never even get the ATTENTION of the woman that they’re interested in… nevermind make progress, get a date, etc.

For instance, most guys will approach an attractive woman, act nervous and almost apologetic – and like they’re seeking her approval – and then ask something stupid like “You probably have a boyfriend, huh?” or “Can I take you out sometime?”

Not only are these things predictable and boring, but they’re also bad for many other reasons as well…

Attractive women get this kind of thing so much that they begin to actually DISCOUNT any man who even LOOKS like this might be what he’s communicating.

And, as you’ve pointed out above, nothing “fires” in her mind.

The boring approach is discounted, and the man is mentally put into the “no” category before he even has a chance to have a meaningful conversation. After this labeling process, virtually nothing he can do can get him out of this category in the woman’s mind, and the game is now over.

On the other hand, when a man approaches a woman and does all the RIGHT things in an interesting, unpredictable way, the woman’s brain “fires”, and she feels ATTRACTION. And then nothing that SHE does can change it. Her mind has put him into the “attractive” category, and her emotions take over.

The lesson here?

Don’t be predictable. Be an interesting, unpredictable challenge to women.

As you probably know, this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to meeting and attracting women. Once you learn how and WHY attraction works, you then have to learn the specifics of what to do in different situations to actually approach women, get their numbers/email, get dates, take things to a physical level, etc.

You must learn and use INTERESTING, UNPREDICTABLE techniques that GET A WOMAN’S ATTENTION AND KEEP IT. You must also learn how and why women feel ATTRACTION for some men… even when those men aren’t tall, handsome, or rich.

And if you want to get the absolute best, most complete system for doing this, the I highly recommend that you get a copy of my new CD Audio Program “Advanced Dating Techniques“. It’s jam packed with over 12 hours of audio and a complete workbook… which will teach you all of my very best ideas on attracting women. It’s at:

[products info link]

And if you haven’t read my eBook “Double Your Dating“, then I’d recommend that you START by reading it. In a few hours of reading you can learn all of the basics of how to meet and date the kinds of women you’ve always wanted. Just go to:

[ebook download link]

…and download it. You can be reading it within a few minutes.

And I’ll talk to you soon.

Your Friend,

David D.

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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