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David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating Mailbag

“Q&A: Starting Conversations With Women” – October 22, 2002

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“Q&A: Starting Conversations With Women” – October 22, 2002



What would your advice be for a shy guy who used to be really ugly but is now not ugly and has plenty of women attracted to him but they never talk to him? How in the name of Oprah Winfrey’s ass do I start a conversation with a woman I don’t even know???


OK, you realize that I’ve chosen your email to be included here is because you’ve mentioned Oprah’s ass… which is a funny thing to talk about.

Why, I have no idea… but it is.

As far as starting conversations with women, here are a few ideas for you…

First of all, you must realize that your body language» is more important than the words you use. Wherever you are, and whatever the situation, you MUST remember that your composure and body language» are the keys.

I’ve watched a lot of guys approach a LOT of women in my day. And I can usually tell within the first few SECONDS if the guy knows what he’s doing with women… and if he’s going to be successful.

Most guys use submissive, apologetic body language» and voice tones… they almost look as if they’re pleading with a woman to give them approval, and that they’re nervous and self conscious about the whole event.

In other words, most guys come across as WUSSIES when they first approach women.

On the other hand, the guys I know who are the most successful with women are the opposite.

They’re totally cool, calm, and collected. They often approach a woman and begin the conversation like they would with an old friend.

There is no apologetic body language», and there are no signs of insecurity.

They aren’t there to find out if the woman is going to give them some approval… on the contrary, they are trying to find out if the woman meets THEIR standards.

Think about how you’d act if you were only interested in finding out if she’s the kind of exceptional woman that you’re interested in getting to know better, instead of being concerned about whether or not she’s going to like you… big shift, isn’t it?

Now, here’s some homework for you:

Sit down and think carefully about the most common situations you find yourself in where you see women that you’d like to meet and talk to.

Think about what’s going on in their minds, where they’re going, what they’ve just done… and what they’re about to do. Think about how they’re probably feeling.

Now, come up with 10 different ways that you could start a conversation in this situation. Remember that YOU’RE the one who is trying to figure out if SHE is the kind of woman you’d like to get to know better.

Once you’ve come up with 10 good ones, pick your favorite, and mentally rehearse it.

I realize that I’m asking you to do some work here, but it’s sooooo worth it.

I’m going to give you one more hint…

Most of the guys I know who are great with women use the simplest of simple conversation starters.


“What are you drinking?”

“Hi, are you from around here?”

…I realize that these sound simple, and they are. But they’re so simple that they’re DISARMING. They don’t come across as canned “pick up lines”, and they help you figure out very quickly if the woman you’re talking to is friendly.

And remember, relaxed body language» is Key!

For more great specifics, along with my personal favorite conversation openers, check out my eBook and CD program.


Hey David,

I read a lot of what you had to say in an email I got from a friend, so i went to your website. Although I sort of think that a lot of this is misleading to women and that you are making these men as manipulative as you say we (women) are, I found that most of what you said is true. I am always attracted to guys that are confident, that act like they could have any girl in the room. It’s sad to admit, but I don’t go for the nice “girly-men” (as you say it, lol), I go for the risky, confident guys. I wish there was a site like yours out there for us women.



Oh, well excuuuuuse me for helping other guys learn how to behave in a way that actually makes women feel ATTRACTION for them!


So you don’t like it that I’m teaching men all the secrets, but you DO wish that there was a site like mine for women! Love it.

Thanks for the honesty, it’s refreshing.

And by the way, I love to get comments from women… so bring them on!


David, firstly thanks for all the fantastic advice you give out to guys worldwide. Finally, someone who tells it like it is. I do however, have a question. I was going out with this girl a few months back. Initially we were really close friends (I know, a bad start already) and then started dating. Just like many guys I made the fatal mistake of acting like a wuss when what got me the girl in the first place was the c&f approach. As soon as I started acting all wussy all the attraction evaporated. Anyway, having learnt my mistake I thought to myself, why not see if c&f will have the same effect on her now. So I have basically got on with my life, pulled back from her almost completely. The whole situation with us is still a bit emotional if you know what I mean. However, we attend the same school so it is inevitable for us to run into each other as was the case a few days ago. Anyway, we chatted for a while and I really poured on the c&f. My question is this. She laughed and everything but at the same time asked me “Why cant you just act normal?” and “You never used to tease me this much?” Does it matter that me and this girl used to date? There is still emotion in the air when we spend time together and I just wanna know if my c&f should be toned down or what?

Thanks Dave,



You know, it’s very interesting how women test men.

I interpret your ex saying things like “Why can’t you just be yourself?” as a test.

She’s trying to see if she can control you… because she perceives that you are now taking control.

When women say things to me like “Be nice!” or “You’re mean… stop it!” or “I don’t like that…” I always shoot something back like “I’m glad you like it”.

This is confusing to them.

But it also transmits my message loud and clear:


I hope you understand what’s going on here.

I am NOT acting abusive or mean when I do this.

I’m just casually letting her know that I’m not about to change for her.

As ironic as it sounds, women will respond to this in two different and conflicting ways.

On the surface they’ll argue with you, but deep down they will respect you and feel more ATTRACTION for you.

I’m generalizing here, but I think you get it.

The next time your girl says “You never used to tease me this much” say “Oh, you know what? I’m really sorry… because you always deserved it… I must just not have been paying close enough attention!”


Can you give advice on delivering the perfect kiss? In a few weeks, I will be going out on a date with my first love. It’s been 14 years since I’ve seen her, but I have this feeling that the date may lead to that special moment-“THE KISS”.




Yes, I have a great idea.

Just go to my website at [click to find out more] and look at The Kiss Test on the second page of the site.

Another hint: When you first go to kiss a girl, stop just as your lips barely touch, then pull back, look into her eyes, and smile.

Tease her a bit like this.

It will ultimately make the first deep kiss far more electrifying and powerful.


Hey again:

Okay, I’m your old and faithful lesbian fan. Months ago I wrote you about the stripper I was dating and everything worked like a charm. I didn’t know if the C/F thing was working at first b/c she would always tell me to stop, but then next thing I know, she was living with me. Needless to say, I sorta became a wuss and she left me for a guy. Yadda yadda. It’s all for the best. Boo who. But seriously, I need some advice again. This time, I have got a crazy crush on my Veterinarian. I wasn’t sure if she liked women or not, but then again, I usually go for the straight women, so it’s always an interesting time. However, being that I’m kind of shy, my Vet was actually very talkative and open with me and we seemed to hit it off. My cat had a reoccurring ear infection so I was going back once a week to see this chick. I found out that she is leaving the practice and so the next time-which was supposed to be the last time I went in- I got the balls to ask her out. Many of my straight girlfriends told me to ask her out just as a friendly gesture for taking care of my cat. So I was going to do that but, I guess it seemed to come out more like asking her on a date anyway. She said yes before I was finished asking her. It went like this:

Me – “I’d like to take you out for coffee sometime…”
Her- “yeah, sure that’d be great, i’d like that.”
me- “…to thank you for taking such good care of my cat.”

Now she said yes before I was done, so I thought it was great and was in the game. But she said she wanted to see my cat one more time before she left, yet again. So following your ever so brilliant advice, I asked for her email on my way out of the office, knowing I would only have one last opportunity to see her after that one. She gave it to me w/out question. So I emailed her that night and just said something short and simple like “lets get coffee, margaritas, whatever, whenever…see you soon.” And when she responded, she wrote about how she just got out of a 4 and a half year relationship with her girlfriend, and that she was switching jobs, apts. and so on, so and then added that she thought it would be fun to hang out sometime, but not for the next few weeks. To me, it really felt like a nice way to blow me off without making it awkward next time I saw her again. So I wrote back a really supportive (probably wussied out) response about how it’s cool if she needs the dust to settle and what not, etc. And that I’d like to get to know her at any point in time. Also I told her I’d help her move and what not if she needed it, etc. It wasn’t long or drawn out (like this) and I just let her know she could touch base with me whenever. Now, I go see her for the last and final appointment this Sunday. She responded to that email with a very short “thanks. Much appreciated. See you soon.” I didn’t respond to that at all. That was that. Now I’m not sure what the hell to do. She is well off, obviously intelligent, professional, probably a few years older than me, and seemingly a pretty cool chick. I’m her client and don’t have much to offer other than my killer personality when I’m not being SO SHY. HELP! Do you have any suggestions for me? This Sunday is my last chance for c/f routine without crossing some kind of boundary or coming off as a big dork. Thanks again for bringing all this stuff out. I’ve seen it work time and time again, not just with men on women, but women on men, and women on women. Interesting stuff there buddy.




What are you doing with this whole acting-like-a-supportive WUSSY chick business?

If you sense that someone is pulling back, YOU PULL BACK FURTHER! Don’t write an inner-child-hugging email.

If anything, you should have emailed her and said:

“Whoa, trigger. You sound like a rebound waiting to happen. Let me know when you’re feeling a little more stable, and we’ll share some tea. Until then, let’s just be friends…”

Catch my drift here?

And you DEFINITELY need to lose this whole “I don’t have anything to offer her” mentality. This is WUSS thinking personified.

You’ve already scared off a hot stripper, and now you’re trying to do it with the vet. Be cool. Stop acting so much like a Wuss.

Just be friendly, and give her a call in a month and say:

“Hey, let’s have tea on Friday.”

Oh, and take me along.



Great book, I look forward to the getting the Audio series as soon as I make some money, but as a poor college student, that may be a while.

Anyway, I wanted to mention an article called “Moral Saints” by Susan Wolf that I just read for ethics. She argues that modern ethical theories are faulty because if one were to actually follow them, and become a moral saint, they would become too nice, and as a result, boring. Although she doesn’t say so, I’m sure she would agree that a moral saint would also be extremely unattractive, no matter how hot, simply because he would be too good. It’s not surprising that it is a women who makes this observation about ethical theories.

It would seem to me that most men are programmed to attempt to be a moral saint in the eyes of their women — always considerate, helping, affectionate, doing the right thing — in other words, being wussy. Instead, Susan Wolf herself says that people should focus more on their passions, and basically, keep busy, be interesting, and don’t be a wussy. Sounds awfully familiar.

Thought you might find the article interesting.



This is rather profound. I’ve read your letter several times now, and I couldn’t agree more.

BORING is the enemy.

PREDICTABLITY is a similar sin.

Moral saints arouse no sexual passions in women.

Thanks for sharing.



In the latest Dating tips email I received, some gentleman asked a question about body language». However, I have a more detailed question on the subject. What types of body language» tend to make women NOT attracted to you? And what types make them insanely attracted to you? After reading that, I kinda realized how I’m always tapping my fingers. The actual reason I tap my fingers is because I write music, and I just ALWAYS have some kind of rhythm or beat going through my head, but it made me realize that women probably read that as nervousness. Since quitting the finger tapping, I’ve noticed women seem at least slightly more interested, but I was wondering if there were any other little pieces of advice you could give on the subject of Body Language».

Thanks Dave,

NB, Indiana


This is GREAT question.

Here are some GOOD things to do:

1. Hold yourself upright. Think of how you’d hold yourself if you were the most confident person in the world.

2. Move slowly. Gesture slowly. Speak slowly. Blink slowly. This communicates comfort and confidence.

3. Pause often. Only respond if you choose to. Remember, you don’t need to react or respond to anything that you don’t want to. Women often try to push you off balance. Don’t fall for it. Stay cool, and pause if you need to in order to keep your composure.

Here are some BAD things to avoid doing:

1. Talking too fast or too much. This communicates that you’re nervous and sketchy (unless you’re telling a really interesting story, or you have integrated fast talking into your personality in an interesting way, of course).

2. Nervous gestures, laughs, ticks, etc. I’ve met many guys who laugh nervously after just about everything they say. This is the DEATH of attraction. It instantly communicates insecurity.

3. Breaking eye contact. At first, you need to maintain eye contact until SHE breaks it. This establishes at an unconscious level that you’re not afraid.

I also recommend that you study the body language» and composure of some of the world’s most famous “ladies’ men”.

Watch Ocean’s 11, and pay attention to how Brat Pitt and George Clooney act in that movie. They are great models of attractive, composed body language».

Check out Gone With The Wind, and watch how Rhett handles Scarlet. Awesome.

The more you pay attention, the more you’ll learn and improve.


Hi Dave,

Thanks to you i am very motivated in approaching women. I’m finding out that more times I approach women, the easier it gets. The question that I have for you is how long should you chat with women before you ask for their phone number. I never go to clubs so it’s not like i have all night to conversate with them. Most of the girls i do meet i don’t have too long to chat with them for example like at a gas station or they may be a cashier waiting on me. What should i do if i don’t have that long to chat?


S.C. in CT


It might surprise you, but if the conversation is going well, a woman will often give you her number within a minute or two of meeting.

The magic combination:

You’re Leaving + Asking Correctly

Try this:

“Hey, do you have email?”


“Great, I’m leaving, but I’d like to chat with you again. Here, write it down. And write your number there too.”

It’s so simple that it’s almost stupid.

You’ll soon find that many of the women you ask will just give you their email and number that easily.

The more you do it, the easier it gets… just like you said. Don’t buy into the idea that women aren’t comfortable giving out their numbers. It’s just not true.

Your skill and comfort is the determining factor. Really.



I have a comment to your recent MailBag titled “Accidental Attraction”. This refers to a question and a point made in different letters from the married men but as a lesson for the single men someday wanting to be married. The question being “does this work for married men?” and the second a point made about “Wusses don’t attract women”. This should be phrased “Real and Fun women” which I’ll explain in a minute. I have been married for 23 years now and never been married before her. I have to say that I was the “King of Wusses” BACK THEN! I have learned or recognized three things at least from your Book and Dating Tips.

1) Your tips work very well for married men as well and yes, it does cause “accidental attraction” that can get you in trouble with your wife. 2) You can be a wuss, use cocky and funny with it which was natural for me and land you a “woman”. I didn’t say a “Real and Fun woman”, I said a woman. 3) If you don’t don’t listen and pay attention to Dave’s advice you will wind up with one of those women he has talked about that “Is very insecure, has little or no self esteem and will be in control of your every move and because of “JEALOUSY”!

I have always been kind of c&f naturally but was always very shy around girls. My parents taught me that women were very special, which when I was young may have been but this is a new world. I was taught to serve, respect and appreciate them as I was trained to be a “Mama’s Boy” and a real “Wuss”. My wife controlled me and made my life miserable, accusing me of “looking at other women”, flirting, etc. Other friends wives or girlfriends enjoyed my c&F nature and would kid around with me making my wife really jealous. We had lots of fights to the point that I was sick and tired of not getting to be myself. Through trial and error not knowing any better, I was doing exactly what Dave teaches and loved it when the other women were enjoying me. I finally grew some balls, told my wife just how I felt including that I was a wuss when she married me but I’m not now and argued to the point that I threatened divorce and she knew I was serious. Now we get along great and a big part of us rekindling our love and friendship is because for the past year or so I have been using Daves “technique’s” on my wife. She now enjoys other guy’s joking with her and doesn’t mind me joking with other women, as long as I include her. So the moral of this is, Be careful how you handle yourself and what you ask for.






You are the man!. Having downloaded your book and had fantastic success with other women, I now need your advice on further areas.

The first is that I am a very sexy Lesbian woman and using the C+F technique on other women has just increased my success rate phenomenally. However I now want to move into the area of college babes. My problem is that I am a very successful woman and want to be able to take some of the student and young Au Pairs I know out, but your book expressly forbids paying for others unless it is a cup of coffee. How do I get to go anywhere when most of them never have any money. The park is ok once in awhile, but when it rains…etc etc.

Secondly there is a lady who I have been working on who has constantly made derogatory comments but has later called me to go out. I have never chased her – recently she sent me a picture of herself topless. I’m really not sure what a good C+F response would be too this or should I just ignore it? She says she is just being friends and perhaps being English I am too puritanical.

Anyway keep up the fantastic work. This stuff works for us girls too!

R (London)


Can I just tell you how much I love the job of being the dating coach to lesbians? And can I tell you how much I love the fact that you purchased my book and that it’s helping you increase your success “phenomenally”?

Beavis and Butthead would most certainly approve.

So now you’re not happy with regular women… you want to start seducing “college babes”, huh?

Well, NEWS JUST IN: I think you’re going to be just fine taking the young things “out”. I don’t recommend that guys take women “out” to dinner at first because it sets up a pre-programmed set of responses in women.

But if you’re an older, successful, Cocky & Funny woman, you’re going to probably have no trouble staying in control of the direction that the relationship goes.

There are exceptions to every rule, and you’ll probably find that taking the young babes out to fine dinners will only sweep them off their feet (when combined with a killer wit and confident demeanor).

Just make sure that you NEVER act like you’re trying to impress or buy approval.

And as for the topless picture, I would have to SEE IT before I could give you an accurate appraisal of the situation.

I would recommend that you start sending all pictures of the women you’re dating to me, so I can look out for your best interests and provide you with expert “advice”.

I might also be open to traveling to London to give you some “personal coaching” in the area of attracting hot college babes. I’d charge you a lot, but it would be worth it.

I’ll be expecting the pictures…


Oh Jedi Master,

Your material is GREAT!! I went from meeting a girl every couple or three months to averaging meeting a new girl every week (and that’s on weeks I don’t go clubbing on the weekends). My old pre-Jedi self would never say the things to girls that I say now. But, the things I would have considered rude before, I find that drives girls WILD! In hindsight, I remember myself trying to “friend” girls into going out with me. I would be with them when guys would come up and act all arrogant and slam on them. When the guys would walk away, I’d make some chivalrous comment about what a jerk he was. Little did I notice the dreamy look in her eyes as she watched him walk away and absent-mindedly agreed with me. What a wuss I was. You’ve changed all that. Now, not only am I in control of myself and my relationships with women, but my confidence helps with other areas of my life as well!

Now, with that praise out of the way, I do have a question. I have used your stuff to meet more women than I ever imagined before. I pull some cocky/funny stuff to get them interested. I get the first date almost without fail. However, here is where I run into my problem. I can do the cocky/funny stuff when we meet for a few minutes. I can do it on the emails we exchange and on the phone when I call to ask for the date. But, when we get to the date, there’s a couple of hours where conversation has to take place. Now, while I consider myself a relatively funny guy, I can’t pull it of the entire night. Eventually we have to break down into some halfway serious conversation. In your book/newsletters, you say to not talk about work/childhood/family/etc… all of the standard things people talk about to find out about each other. But, trying to avoid these topics leaves me with nothing to say to someone that I really don’t know. Things usually get quiet, which signifies the failure of a date, and we don’t go out again.

In short… I’ve been very successful at getting her to the date. I’ve been very successful if the date goes well and we end up back at my place. However, my problem is making the date successful so that we DO end up back at my place. More often than not, the date drowns in silence. Help me, David!

Your Padawan,



Nice job. You’re doing great!

It sounds to me like you need to learn a few things:

1. The structure of comedy.

2. How to tell stories.

3. Which topics fascinate women.

4. How to control your emotions better.

Go down to the bookstore for an afternoon, and read some books on comedy and story telling.

Focus on learning about how and why big hit movies and TV shows are hits.

Learn about how different emotions, conflicts, and drama play together to make for RIVETING stories.

There’s a way to make any story or conversation interesting, and you just need to learn more about it.

I’m also going to guess that something ELSE is happening that leads to a date “drowning in silence”.

Most guys begin to get uncomfortable at some point during a date. Maybe they sense that it’s time to move things to a physical level. Maybe they’re nervous and don’t know if a woman likes them… and they start to feel insecure.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

The point is that when most guys hit this point, they begin to let their emotions and insecurity get the best of them.

They begin to think “Uh, oh. I need to do something to impress her, or say something to make her laugh or she won’t like me.” This leads to all kinds of problems.

If you begin to feel this kind of thing happening, it’s probably time to DO SOMETHING.

Get up, go for a walk, move around.

Get out of the serious mode somehow.

Tell a funny story about something that happened to you when you were a kid.

Go to the store and look at magazines and make fun of famous people.

Just do whatever you have to to get out of that mental and emotional rut!

The thing that determines whether a silence was “uncomfortable” or not is WHAT YOU DO AFTER THE SILENCE IS OVER.

If you act cool and casual, then it won’t be a big deal.

If you act nervous and anxious, then it will KILL the mood.

Finally, you MUST learn to ADVANCE things physically when it’s time. If you don’t use the material you learned in my eBook and especially the bonus booklet “Bridges“, then you’re going to be fighting an uphill battle.

Most of the time, women expect the man to “make all the moves”, and you need to learn how to do that in such a way that it’s smooth and natural.

Go back and reread “Bridges“. It will help a lot.


ALL HAIL KING DAVID!!! You are a true genius. I have only been getting your newsletters for a few weeks but let me tell ya, dude, THEY WORK! I have always been a lil cocky, and fairly successful with women but wasn’t getting 10’s. But when I added a bit of humor to it, its a powerful aphrodisiac. I was at a bar the other night with some friends and saw an incredible looking waitress. My buddies started razzing me that she was out of my league, so of course, GAME ON!. She came over to take our order and everyone was so “nice” and “kind” to her I wanted to hurl. I finally spoke up and said with a totally straight face, “Can I get another waitress. I really don’t appreciate the way you have been staring at me like a piece of meat and trying to undress me with your eyes”. Her jaw almost hit the ground. I then added, “I will let it slide THIS time if my first drink is on YOU”. You should have seen the look on my buddies faces when she came back, and of course, MY drink was free. After a few drinks we decided to leave and I didn’t even ask for her number or email, but low and behold, she came running to the door as we were leaving and handed me a slip of paper with her cell number on it. I said, “this really doesn’t change anything. Im still a bit annoyed with you but you can make it up by taking me to dinner sometime”. She said no prob and that she was looking forward to it. She said she gets hit on ALL the time but most guys turn into jellyfish after 5 minutes and that I seemed so confident it was a HUGE turn on. My tip to guys just starting out: Try your stuff out on waitresses. In a few more weeks I will be ordering your ebook and cant wait for a few more tips.

J.C. from Warren, Michigan


You are my hero. I will steal this line, use it with great success, and claim that I thought of it myself. I’m jealous.



I think your are right on with your recent email about women NOT being attracted to wussy characteristics. But you have skipped over the other side of the coin, which is WHAT causes men to act that way? Maybe its too obvious, but isn’t it because their Mom’s always REWARDED them when they were helpful, accommodating, pliant, co-operative, and PUNISHED them when they were defiant, cocky, did not go along, talked back, etc. The men have to overcome their programming from a ‘happy’ childhood that has programmed them BACKWARDS for the challenges of dating as an adult.

You agree?



Well, I wouldn’t say that I’ve “skipped over” the things that cause men to act like Wussies… I just didn’t cover it in that newsletter.

As a matter of fact, I’ve spent a LOT of time thinking about this, researching it, and coming up with the reasons why men act like this in the first place… and more importantly, how to recognize these things and CHANGE them when you want to.

In my new CD Audio Program, I devote a lot of time to this topic. I talk about everything from the evolutionary reasons to the cultural reasons why men and women behave the way they do, and how to use this knowledge to turn the tables MASSIVELY in your favor when it comes to the dating world.

I have gotten a lot of feedback from guys saying things like “This stuff has completely changed the way I think about women” and “Now when I interact with women, I’m the one in control because I understand what’s going on in their minds” etc.

You’re right that a lot of our programming is BACKWARDS when it comes to women and dating. And if you want to learn how to think FORWARDS and get the kinds of results that most men will only dream of all their lives, then I recommend that you check out my program. Just go to:

[products info link]

And if you haven’t downloaded my eBook “Double Your Dating” and the three bonus booklets that come along with it, go to:

[ebook download link]

…and download it now. It’s the best introduction to the keys to success with women and dating you can get.

Both websites have lots of great samples, so check them out!

And I’ll talk to you soon.

Your Friend,

David D.

***If you’d like to send me a Success Story, Question, or Comment, follow these guidelines***

1) Keep it short and to the point. Two paragraphs max.

2) Tell me what’s working for you before you ask your question. I appreciate all of the “Your stuff is great” and “I don’t need to tell you how well your stuff works” comments, but the fact is that I DO need to hear all of the specifics… because this helps other guys to see what’s working in different situations.

3) If you have a Success Story, write “Success Story” in the subject line of the email. I read these first.

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5) Send it to me at:

[newsletter sign-up link]

…don’t just hit “reply” to this email. Thanks!

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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