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David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating Mailbag

“Q&A: Self Esteem And Success With Women” – November 22, 2002

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“Q&A: Self Esteem And Success With Women” – November 22, 2002



I decided to get this area of my life – “dating” – handled no matter what about a year ago. I had a lot of internal problems with self-esteem and self-image. So I started by reading a lot of self-help books that teach how to use your mind to change your world – your “reality” as you would say. That helped me a lot and I started seeing things very differently. I became more confident and more importantly, more determined and convinced that I could get this handled for myself. But I still didn’t understand the science of “attraction” specifically. I knew there had to be some reason why some guys got tons of women while others went without but I just didn’t “get it.”

I ordered your book about 8 months ago and it helped me tremendously because I started to understand attraction and it also motivated me to get out in the field and start working on my skills. I read many books on attraction and watched movies with “romantic heroes,” like James Bond. I started going to [other] web-sites and signed up for a bunch of newsletters (yours are by far the best, by the way).

Over the next 6 months, I had more success with women then I’ve ever had in my life. I got tons of numbers, learned to flirt a little bit, and went on more dates than I had over the past couple years combined. So, when your CD series came out, I bought that too and it’s been another great help. I like the CD series a little better than your book because it emphasizes the “inner game»” more instead of straight “techniques.” I think a lot of people – including myself at one point – are under the impression that the right “line” is going to get them laid. I think the opposite: when you’re feeling unstoppable, then you’ll exude it and just about anything you say will work. Further, body language» is SO MUCH more important than words – that took me a long time to figure out and really understand. Anyway, your CD series addresses these concepts in detail and it really helped me.

My success story is different from the others usually in your mailbag because its still a work in progress. For whatever reasons, I wasn’t able to read your book and then immediately go out and get laid by 6 different hotties in 2 weeks, like some of your readers. It’s not discouraging for me because I know that I’m 300% better at this now than I was a year ago and I’m working on this skill every single day and eventually I’m going to get to where I want to be- there’s no doubt in my mind. I think you say this often and I really have come to understand it on a deep level over the past few months: “Dating is a skill that you can learn.” I’ve learned some skills of dating and I’m learning others and I’m going to perfect them. So, when I read your mailbag, I just say to myself: “Good for those guys – this book must have put them right over the top. I’m going to keep working at this and I’ll be there soon.”

My question for you is how long did it take you to master all of this? Also, did you get discouraged along the way and how did you keep picking yourself up? How did you get yourself to really believe that this was going to happen for you? Also, did you notice that you’d get something figured out and then be at that level trying to figure the next level out for months and then finally you’d get the next level figured out and then you’d be at that level for a long time?

Thanks for your book, CDs, and mailbag – they’ve helped me on a deep level. I hope that in a year or two, I’ll be one of the speakers at your live seminar.



You have brought up some GREAT points here…

I’d like to comment on some of the things you’ve mentioned, then tell you a little about my personal experience learning this stuff.

The first thing you mentioned is:

“I decided to get this area of my life – “dating” – handled no matter what about a year ago…”

There are a few KEY words in this statement.

Those words are “NO MATTER WHAT”.

I’ve read many “self help” and “success” books in my day.

But one of the most important of these books, in my opinion, was “Think And Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill. In this book, he talks about the idea of DECIDING to do something NO MATTER WHAT. There’s something about saying to yourself and others “I’m going to do this thing, and I don’t care how long it takes or what I have to do. I’m going to accomplish it” that is magical.

Now, I don’t want to sound like some kind of freakshow psychic or cult leader… but this concept is powerful.

I’ve found that when I use this concept and REALLY MAKE A COMMITMENT to do something, that it somehow focuses all of my mental energy on it, and I wind up accomplishing things that I never thought that I could.

I’ve also found that when I recommend to others that they do this, they have all kinds of excuses that seem to “come up”. The say:

“Well, I’m not sure that I want to accomplish it NO MATTER WHAT…”


“I don’t want to limit myself…”


“I don’t want to tell everyone that I’m going to do it and then no follow through…”

…etc., etc., etc.

And guess what?

They usually don’t accomplish what they want in life.

I’ve also noticed that when people I know get to the point where they actually DO make this commitment to themselves and others that they ALMOST MAGICALLY wind up reaching their goals… NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE.

This idea has power. A lot of power.

The next thing you mentioned is:

“I had a lot of internal problems with self-esteem and self-image.”

You also mentioned later that you feel like it’s taken you longer than some other guys to reach the levels of success that you’d like to reach with women and dating.

I’m not a psychologist, but my experience is that if you have a lot of issues with your self image/self esteem, then it’s going to take longer to accomplish just about ANYTHING in life as a result.

These are DEEP psychological and emotional issues, and they interfere and interact with EVERYTHING.

I think you’ve made a VERY WISE CHOICE by working on those issues as you worked on this other area.

I’ll also address the comment you made about some guys just having more success, and having it faster than others.

First of all, when I choose the letters from readers to include in these newsletters, I like to include mostly emails from guys who GIVE SOMETHING before they ASK for something. And I love success stories, because they encourage us all (The fact is that I don’t get many emails from readers saying “this stuff doesn’t work for me”, but I do get a few here and there).

But the long and the short of it is that since you get to hear a lot of success stories, it SEEMS like this stuff is really easy for most guys.

But I’ll tell you, we all have our challenges. We all have areas that are harder to improve than others, and we all want more success… no matter what level we’re at.

Each of us starts out where we start out, and each of us is on our own path to success. No one can do this for you, and I can’t tell you how long it’s going to take you to have the kind of success that you want to have…

I will tell you this, though. If you have major self esteem and self image issues, it’s probably going to take longer than if you don’t.

But as far as I’m concerned, the only thing that matters is YOU getting what YOU want in YOUR life. It doesn’t matter if it takes a week or a year or a decade. If you need to accomplish this for yourself, then do what it takes. No one is going to do it for you… that’s for sure.

And there’s no feeling like achieving success in some area of your life that’s important to you.

You mentioned that during your first 6 months you got tons of numbers, learned how to flirt with women, etc. How great does that feel?!

You also mentioned how learning about the “inner game»” from my CD Program helped you at a much deeper level than just learning “techniques” ever did.

This is SUCH an important point.

Most guys ask me for quick fixes.

When they have a problem, they write to me for a line or a technique to solve their problem.

The PROBLEM with that is once you get INTO a problem situation, it’s DIFFICULT to “fix”. The best policy is to AVOID getting yourself into the situation in the first place!


But how do you do that?

Of course… you have to BECOME the guy that does the right things. And part of this BECOMING is learning all those things that together for the “inner game»“. Things like your beliefs about yourself and women, your understanding of dating and attraction, your subtle communication skills… and all the rest.

When you learn this stuff, then all the TECHNIQUES start to work DRAMATICALLY better. In fact, you start to NOT NEED THEM AS MUCH anymore. Since you understand what’s HAPPENING at each stage, you don’t have to rely as much on techniques… you can just lead the way and do the right thing whenever you need to.

I could say this 1,000 times, and tomorrow some guy is going to write me and say “I have this girl that I’ve been in love with for 10 years but she thinks I’m the UBER-WUSSY. What can I say to her to make her fall instantly in love with me?”


Finally, you asked me how long it’s taken ME to master this stuff, and a few other questions about my personal experiences.

The direct answer is that it took me about three years from when I first decided to “get this handled” until the moment when I realized “Ohmygod, I don’t feel insecure about women anymore. I can go out anytime I want and meet women. I don’t ever have to worry about being alone again.”

Why so long?

Well, to begin with, I didn’t have good materials to get me started.

I went out and looked around on the internet, read a bunch of books, went to seminars, listened to tapes… the whole deal.

I hate to say this, but my personal opinion is that the other materials that are available out there are mostly junk. I spent probably two years trying to perfect techniques that I found out later were basically worthless to me. In fact, I probably spent a year of my life OVERCOMING the bad programming that I got initially. I’m sure that a lot of the other people who are teaching on this topic mean well, but a lot of it is just people who are trying to get rich quick, and who have no idea how to actually make a woman feel attraction for them. It’s kind of sad.

The thing that really did it for me, and you’ve heard me say this over and over, is when I started spending time with guys who were NATURALLY good with women. In other words, they had figured out what works with women on their own (or from other guys), without any influence from books or tapes or seminars.

By watching and spending time with them, I discovered all kinds of amazing things. And by taking what I learned and experimenting, combining, and innovating I figured out and developed some WILD stuff.

But you know what?

I still learn things every day about this topic.

I’ll be watching a couple interact at the local Starbucks, and I’ll realize something that’s been right in front of my the whole time… but I just didn’t see it.

The great thing about this whole subject of women and dating is that you can really enjoy the process of developing your own success.

I will tell you one thing. If I would have had my own book and CD Series when I started, it would have taken me a fraction of the time, guaranteed.

…and with that, I have to recommend that if you’re reading this right now, and you haven’t gotten your own copies of these, then you need to do it.

There is no better way to learn how to be more successful with women and dating. I’ve spent a lot of time putting these materials together, and organizing them in a such a way that you can start using what you learn IMMEDIATELY. You will see INSTANT improvement with women… and I absolutely guarantee that you’ll be thrilled with the value you receive, or you can just ask for a full refund. Really.

The CD Program is here:

[products info link]

The downloadable eBook is here:

[ebook download link]

I’ll talk to you again soon!

Your Friend,

David D.

This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit

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