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"Core Attractive Traits" / July 11th, 2006

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Core Attractive Traits
by Jay Valens of The Art of the Pickup
July 11th, 2006

This week we’re going to talk about what it means to have “attractive traits”.

When people hear the word “attractive”, they usually think things like “beauty” or “physically attractive”. Certainly, when most men feel initial attraction for a woman, that is the case – physical beauty has significant meaning.

For women, however, they do not assess men on their level of physical beauty nearly as much as men do for women. That is not to say being physically attractive is somehow not valuable, certainly the better you can improve your appearance the more attractive you will be, overall.

What matters more, for a man to be attractive to women, is for his TRAITS to be attractive.

A combination of the following traits will define more of a man’s level of “attractiveness” to women than his physical traits:

* Vibe (Mannerisms, Presence, Demeanor)
* Body Language»
* Style (how he grooms and dresses himself)
* Social Stature
* Social Interaction
* Dominance

However, don’t be fooled into thinking that deficiencies in any of these traits will affect you too much so long as you understand, from a woman’s perspective, at least initially, it is the perception of a man displaying these traits positively rather than the reality.

We all go through this world with our own individual perception of reality. Your friends may perceive their reality differently than you might perceive yours. That does not make any of you more right or wrong, only that you each perceive things differently.

What makes something real to most people is perception. If you perceive something as being a certain way, then that is your reality and you make judgments on that perception of reality.

Knowing this, regardless of whatever currently makes up your character (which, also, your own perception of may not be what you think others perceive), your focus should be to enhance what others, especially women, will PERCEIVE about you.

In that way, while you work to ACTUALLY improve yourself, you can also maintain a focus of improving how you are perceived.

Some may refer to this as “fake it ‘til you make it” but it’s a lot more than that. There is nothing wrong with receiving advice like “fake it ‘til you make it” but it is sorely lacking in practical information about HOW to fake it, and not explanation of what “it” is.

Before we work through the list of traits, I want to instill a very important concept about the best way for ensuring others perceive traits in you. The concept is the difference between CLAIMING a trait and DISPLAYING a trait.

So many men out there believe that when they claim a certain trait to others, they are somehow displaying a positive value when, in reality, they will come across as bragging. Worse, if such bragging is not believed (which many times it isn’t), the perceived value of those men is actually reduced.

That’s right, things like name-dropping, or telling people, especially women, about your great promotion, nice house, or your abilities will many times HURT how others perceive you.

Many times, what a typical man brags about ends up not even having anything to do with the core traits which women need to pick up on in order to FEEL attraction towards him. If that man is eventually smart enough to avoid this behavior, he is left not knowing what to do or say to be attractive. He has a good job, has access to resources, is a smart, a good person, but has no understanding of what he can to do be more attractive to women, and perhaps he is left thinking that he can’t be attractive to women.

All such a man is lacking is an understanding of what traits are really the basis of attraction for women and, as importantly, how to DISPLAY those traits so that he is PERCEIVED as having those traits.

So let’s work through the list of traits, describing them, and then talking about how you can more positively display them:

Vibe (Mannerisms, Presence, Demeanor)

Your vibe is not a magical aura.

It is the subtle feeling people have about you when you are nearby or in their presence.

Think about talking to someone who can’t maintain eye contact, seem hesitant about what they talk about, and regularly seem to dwell on negative subjects. Would you think that person has a good vibe or bad vibe?

On the same token, imagine someone who can always keep a sustained yet comfortable eye contact with others, always seems calm and sure, and always has an upbeat attitude when talking to or about others. You can say that person has a “good vibe”.

Really, in order to have a good vibe, there is no trick. You must simply be conscious of your own behavior patterns and correct any negative tendencies.

You may have some behaviors that you’re not aware of and, in that case, you need to make a concerted effort to try to be more aware of yourself – but be careful not to be so aware of yourself that you become self-conscious!

This will get easier to do over time and when you feel your behaviors and vibe are well-balanced, no longer need to be concerned about it.

How will you know when your vibe is positive AND being perceived as positive? When you can see, clearly and without doubt, see that others honestly enjoy being around you, seek out your company, and openly and regularly introduce you to other people they know.

Body Language»

There are many elements to body language» and they all come together to form an overall impression women could make about you before you’ve even spoken a word to each other.

In addition, after engaging conversation with woman, your body language» will provide her with cues as to your congruence with your own words.

For example, if your words say “I am an outgoing and spontaneous person” but your body language» says “I am timid and cautious” then your words are in conflict with your body and the woman’s potential attraction to you will shut down.

Here is a list of some positive body language» cues and their negative counterparts:

* Calm steady gate vs. nervous jumpy pace
* Steady hands vs. jittery hands
* Slow head turns vs. quick jerk of head
* Leaning back casually vs. leaning too much into her
* Resonating clear voice vs. quiet shy voice
* Contemplative look vs. worried/scared expression
* Decisive movements vs. constant hand & body gesturing
* Steady/relaxed gaze vs. staring or looking away often
* Looking at her eyes vs. staring constantly everywhere else
* Confident to gaze sometimes at her body vs. only her face
* Good straight posture, shoulders thrown back vs. slumping
* Open posture vs. “protective” (crossed legs and/or arms)

There are many more possible contrasting body language» traits.

The ultimate point is: there is always something that can be improved with your body language» to help you become more congruent with how you want to portray yourself.

Have a friend help by observing you from a distance when you talk to women and ask them to give you feedback on whether your body language» was positive or not. Then later ask them for suggestions on how you can improve. Even someone with no understanding of body language» will be able to understand something that doesn’t “feel” right when observing from a distance and can suggest a means to improve.

Style (how he grooms and dresses himself)

There is always a mistake made in modern culture that to have good “style” a man must be constantly aware of new fashions, spend endless money on an up-to-date wardrobe, become borderline metrosexual, etc, etc, just to keep himself from being discounted or ignored.

There is certainly nothing wrong with being aware of fashion trends, being able to color-coordinate, and take care of your grooming, but there is also a threshold you should be conscious not to pass.

You must not style yourself to the point of losing vestige of your masculinity. You could be the cleanest and most stylish man in a room full of scrubs but if you display yourself that way by giving up your sense of masculinity, then you are just shooting yourself in the foot.

Although you will undoubtedly not hear much of this in style advice resources for men, women are charmed and attracted to men who are stylish yet not completely together.

There should always be elements of your style that relay you did not over-think your style or obsess over it. Women see men like this, who obsess about their style, especially better-looking men who take care of themselves physically, and presume they are gay.

Coming across as possibly gay may not be a bad thing for first meeting and interacting with women, but it doesn’t exactly ensure her attraction to you in the way that you would want.

The basis of style is to, first, take care of your body so that whatever you do wear (or not wear) simply looks better on you. This does NOT mean you must be an Adonis but if you are currently overweight or out of shape then you must at least put an effort in to regularly improve your body (in a healthy way).

Exercise, a good diet, and enough sleep on a regular schedule are 90% of what you need. You cannot skimp on this one element. It is also hard to “overdo” working on improving your body and health.

The next basis of style is to cater to your body surface. What does that mean? It means take care to pay attention to thinks like your hair style, skin, teeth, body hair, body odors, etc.

If you look good with a buzz cut, then, by all means, go to an assembly-line hair salon and save yourself some money. However, if you keep your hair longer and want to look good, take the extra time to find a good salon and pay the extra money to maintain an actual hair STYLE.

I will use myself as an example.

I have brown hair (which gets wavy when long) and I used to cut my hair very short and wear a goatee. I’ve gradually changed my style over the years and now I’m clean-shaven most of the time (occasionally 1 day stubble) have grown my hair out long, colored it a little lighter with even lighter highlights and even had it “relaxed” so it would not be too curly or wavy when long.

Sure, some girls would have preferred my hair the way it was before, but far more like my hair the way it is now… and so do I! I was willing to try something new.

Try different styles occasionally to see if a certain style suits you better or not. Ask women for suggestions. Get their opinion as you try newer styles.

For the men out there who are losing their hair, you can improve your look by simply shaving your head.

If you are merely receding then a short-cropped but stylish haircut works well (also having your hair colored lighter helps) but if you are literally and noticeably going bald then make it a CHOICE and shave your head.

For guys who are under 35 and still have a good crop of hair but are visibly receding, I would recommend having your doctor prescribe Propecia(R) for you. It works great to slow down a receding hair line. How do I know? I’ve been taking it for years and it has literally stopped the hairline recession I was experiencing since my mid-20s. Although it won’t work for most men, what have you got to lose? Money? Make more. :)

Take care of your teeth, use off-the-shelf whiteners, get regular cleanings, etc.

If you have excessive body hair, have your back waxed and simply trim up your front/chest to reduce that ape-like appearance! Some women are very attracted to men with a lot of body hair but most are not.

Most women also don’t like facial hair but usually this tends to be 60/40 and depends on the man and how well his hair grows in.

The last element of style is what you choose to wear.

Do not wear a style simply because it is IN style.

You must first decide what kind of women you are interested in and that will tell you the kind of men they are likely to be interested in. Then you take the time to figure out what THOSE kind of men are likely be wearing at any given time and realistically consider whether such a style would suit you before going out and spending a couple thousand dollars on new clothes.

Once you know what overall style you are going to attempt, rather than looking through magazines, first spend time observing people around you, particularly men, and think to yourself “Is that man congruent with his style and is the way he’s dressed likely to be appealing to a certain kind of woman?”

Pay attention to what it is about what he is wearing and how he’s wearing it that you may be able to emulate.

One mistake many men make is to buy clothing that is 1 or 2 sizes too large.

If you are a big man, then it might make sense to adjust how you wear your clothes to reduce the appearance of a hefty torso. However, if you are a healthy/trim man, even on the thin side, better to wear clothes that get closer to “hugging” your torso than too loose.

Loose pants also should go. Get rid of the pleats. Straight-leg never hurts and looks good on almost all men.

Wrinkles in your clothes are bad.

Plaids rarely look good.

Colors like red, yellow, or bright green should also be avoided.

Beyond all this, you must NOT pick clothes to wear solely to be “conformist” to current fashion. Doing so will do the opposite of helping you stand out. Rather, use current fashions as a starting point and then add elements on top of that which help you stand out as different and interesting (in an attractive & masculine way, not in a one-man-circus kind of way).

Social Stature

This trait element is the hardest to display and the best way to do it is through your mannerisms, observable actions, and how you interact with and treat individuals.

Women gravitate towards men who have at least the APPEARANCE of higher social stature. It is not as important to appear to have high social stature in general as it is important to at least have higher social stature than her or the people within her immediate social circle.

Women will automatically assess a man’s social stature by observing how he talks to others, relates to others, and how he sees himself.

Consider a man who is always talking bad of people he knows. A woman talking to such a man will believe he will just as soon talk bad about her to someone else.

Also, consider a man who is trying to hard to garner a positive reaction from a woman. If he is trying to hard with her, he is going to relay that he believes his social stature is lower than hers is and this will make him unattractive to her.

This does not mean a man should not appreciate a woman when she has done something positive to deserve positive attention from him, but this behavior of chasing approval is simply unattractive.

Now, consider the way in which people treat others who are in the vicinity. If you show an ability to respect others and their place in life, and extend an empathetic perspective (without crossing the line into tree-hugging sappy-man), you will be far more attractive than a man who does not seem to be able to relate to anyone around him.

Social Interaction

Much of social interaction will lend itself to the display of your social stature as described previously.

Social interaction is supplementing your perceived social structure with the means by which you interact in environments that are more social.

Your social interaction abilities are displayed in the way you interact with groups of people. Your social interaction traits are also displayed to a woman in how you interact with people she knows.

If you’re talking to a woman, and things are going well, but her friend comes along and interrupts you, there are many ways to deal with this but no matter how you deal with it, the utmost important factor is the interaction itself and what it displays about your social abilities.

Her friend may be interrupting you, or being rude, but she is still the woman’s friend. Must you kiss the friend’s ass? Absolutely not. Must you give up your self-respect? No. Lose your temper? Never.

The man with the most established social abilities, in the most basic way, simply addresses the friend and makes her (politely, but firmly) aware that she’s interrupting a conversation that her friend is having and extends a means to introduce himself to the friend…

If even then the friend continues her rude interruption, it is a simple thing to discretely tell the woman you were talking to that her friend is being rude.

If things were NOT going well with you and the woman you’re talking to, then of course her friend is just coming over to try to “save” her. In such cases, rather than worry about it, realize there is something about your interactions that you need to improve to avoid needing a band-aid to the situation in the first place.


We now wrap up with dominance.

Let us first state what dominance is not, at least in terms of being attractive to a woman.

Dominance is not abuse, verbal or physical.

Dominance is not trying to control someone.

Rather, dominance is:

* Having control of yourself
* Not allowing your environment to affect you negatively
* Not allowing situations around you get the better of you
* Perpetuating a positive frame of thought over a negative one
* Not being hesitant or apologetic about being masculine
* Leading a woman through emotions rather than reacting to them
* Taking the lead in situations
* Being experienced and prepared

There you have it.

Find a way to focus on as many of these items as possible.

Work to improve at least one element a day from now on, even a little bit at a time, and you will reach a point where you naturally vibe as an incredibly attractive man and will find that attracting women becomes something you can do naturally.

To get a deeper understanding of the kinds of attitude and vibe and style which women will find attractive, you can pick up a copy of “The Art of the Pickup»DVD set.

Your attraction coach,

Jay Valens

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