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The Art of the Pickup : If She Mentions Her Boyfriend, You're IN

"If She Mentions Her Boyfriend, You're IN" / February 11th, 2008

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If She Mentions Her Boyfriend, You're IN
by Jay Valens of The Art of the Pickup
February 11th, 2008

You’ve heard the words, probably many times, and they always seem to deflate you.

You’re talking to a girl, it seems like she’s showing interest in you, you’re feeling good and feel like you’ve got a real shot.

Then the word “boyfriend” comes out of her mouth and although there’s still a smile on your face your thoughts turn a bit sour.

Maybe if you’d have known she had a boyfriend, you might not have approached her in the first place. But that’s not the right way to think, nor very productive. I’m here to give you the insight you need on this.

Firstly, it should be none of your concern whether she has a boyfriend or not. That closes no doors for you. It only closes doors for her IF she chooses to keep those doors closed.

There’s a more pertinent factor to consider: What was the context of her mentioning her boyfriend? That actually makes a big difference and will tell you whether the mention is of any significance at all, and what that significance means.

If you approach a girl and immediately start hitting on her, usually that alone will not spur her attraction to you, even if you’re very good looking, because lots of men will act this way with women. If she’s not interested at all, she might respond with “Sorry, I have a boyfriend”, even if she doesn’t, because it’s the easiest thing for her to say to let you down without making it seem like she’s being rude.

Still, we’ll never encourage you to approach women with the only strategy to compliment and “hit on” them, so chances are that is not the type of boyfriend comment you’re likely to hear so long as you follow our advice.

So what’s left?

You could be talking about something, a story, recent experience, whatever, and she responds with a mutual story or related experience and nonchalantly refers to her boyfriend in that context, even though she never mentioned one before. This kind of mention usually is innocuous and not meant to deflate you or spur your interest, and it’s the most common way she will bring him up.

If she mentions a boyfriend but is STILL talking to you and not being evasive in any way, then it means she has at least SOME interest in you, even if it’s innocent and non-sexual at that point, and if there is some interest then the door is open and you might as well be IN. So, walk right in.

So if she’s interested in you at least on SOME level, why mention a boyfriend at all?

It could be that she COULD be attracted, but she’s loyal, although that’s not likely, people are not very loyal to each other outside of more serious committed relationships when opportunities arise that can remain private. No, it’s more likely that she is signaling that she could be attracted but that if you follow through then you need to respect the discretion she might need.

When girls have boyfriends who they are losing interest in, they will usually establish relationships with other men before breaking things off with their current man. She could very well break up with her boyfriend next week, totally unrelated to anything to do with you, and so long as you have discretion and remain an option, you will have access to her.

The mention of a boyfriend could also mean that she is signaling that she IS attracted and simply assuring herself in her own mind that she’s not responsible if anything “happened”. If you end up hooking up with her, anything from making out to having sex, it’s not actually her responsibility – you’re the man and you were told already that she has a boyfriend, so it’s not her “fault” if something ever did happen. After all, you were informed she has a boyfriend.

I know, that sounds illogical, but that’s how most women think. That’s how they rationalize it.

You can even see her mentioning a boyfriend at all in this way as a good sign, rather than a bad sign. It means that you are seen in a light where you are potentially in competition, whether on the same level, or not, as her current boyfriend.

In that light, it’s a matter of logistics and opportunity and NOT a matter of there being interest or not – the mention (short of the rejection-oriented one described above) all by itself serves to indicate that there IS interest and rather than cause you to deflate, it should inspire the opposite and encourage you to press on.

So, to reiterate, one thing is for sure, that unless she tells it to you to say “NO” (rejection tone), then the mention actually means good things for you: Your approach is not ambiguous, she may very well be interested, and it’s really up to you to then follow through in such a way as to make her boyfriend situation insignificant and assure her a level of discretion. Not by saying “I can be discreet”, but through your subtle actions.

If what you were doing wasn’t working on any level, she would ignore you, give you the cold shoulder, say something rude, walk away, or all of the above. Anything else might as well mean you’re IN and the only things in your way are logistics and opportunity. None to hard to handle, we’re always helping you with that.

Now if she mentions a girlfriend… that’s another topic for another day ;)

Jay Valens

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