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The Art of the Pickup : Why Don’t Women Just Tell Men What They Want?

"Why Don’t Women Just Tell Men What They Want?" / August 14th, 2006

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Why Don’t Women Just Tell Men What They Want?
by Jay Valens of The Art of the Pickup
August 14th, 2006

Is any of the following familiar to you?:

* You are interested in a girl and she seems to be interested in you. You get the courage to ask her out… but she makes an excuse or declines.

* You are talking to a girl and she tells you that she has a boyfriend, so you give up the thought of asking her out. Later you find out from a friend that the girl is actually single. Why did she tell you she had a boyfriend?

* You are on a date and no matter how well everything seems is going, you are not getting that feeling that she’s interested in you the way you’re interested in her. You are spending time in a nice place, having interesting conversations, but later even if you get the courage to make a move, she rejects it. She may even say outright that she’s “not ready” or “not looking for someone right now” (when you know for a fact that if a man she WAS interested in was right in front of her, she wouldn’t hesitate with HIM). She seems to give you no indication of what she wants.

* You ask a girl what she’s looking for in a man. She tells you. It sounds exactly like you, but she doesn’t seem interested in you in “that” way. Why?

* You are in a situation where you’ve been pursuing a girl for quote some time, maybe even courting her, but no matter what you do, say, or try, she never seems to reciprocate the kind of interest in you as you have for her. You may even be direct enough to ask her why she’s not interested in you but she won’t say why or what she does say makes no sense at all.

I am not going to explain WHY women are the way they are.

It doesn’t matter, because what you really need to understand is how to READ them and determine what works and what doesn’t work.

Women almost never seem to be satisfied by the men they date or the majority of men who are interested in dating them.

Do you think it’s because those men truly aren’t up to par or maybe it’s because they simply don’t understand how to interpret what the women they’re interested in want and how to display those characteristics?

Whenever a woman holds back on relaying to a man, any man, what she truly wants and what truly creates attraction in her, it could be one of 3 main reasons:

1. She thinks she’s telling the man what she wants, but she is only relaying what she consciously is looking for rather than what actually triggers her attraction and desires. She may at times make the active choice to follow her conscious “litmus test” but she will soon be unhappy with the choice, and seek another option.

2. She does know what gets her attracted and what gets her truly interested, but she decides to keep it to herself.

3. She doesn’t actually know what makes her attracted to any given man, she just “knows” and simply rejects the approaches of many men until one comes along that simply “does it” for her.

Do you know what’s great about those reasons? …

They don’t actually matter!

Most people don’t know how a TV works, either, but they do know that when the “ON” button is clicked on the remote the TV turns on.

We don’t need to understand how a picture tube works; we don’t need to understand infrared light, or what a cathode ray tube is.

All we need is for someone to show us where the remote is, how to pinpoint where the “ON” button is, how to click it, how to change channels, and increase/decrease the volume.

A TV can’t tell you how it works. It just does when you click the right buttons. Women are way more complex than TVs (and nicer!) but the concept is the same.

Women don’t come with instructions and they don’t WANT to come with instructions.

They don’t actually want to have to tell men how to attract them.

Sure, they will put on makeup, wear high heels, nice dresses, and spend hours and lots of money on their hair, but that is to attract as many men as possible in the first place in order to have a selection they can choose from.

Some women are so naturally beautiful that they avoid using too much makeup or over-doing the primping to avoid attracting too many men!

What women don’t need is a way to attract MORE men – they already have pretty much all that’s necessary and do what they can to optimize their fan base. What they need is a means to FILTER the men who are attracted to them.

Imagine if every woman said “yes” to every man who ever approached her… OK, stop imagining Angelina Jolie saying “yes” to you… stay focused…

If every man knew how to attract every woman, this would be quite an over-populated planet and this newsletter would be called “The Art of Repulsing Men” and marketed to women!

So, you can see why women are not going to spell out what works for them, what stirs their attraction, even when they truly know. Some factors are universal to all women and many factors unique to each woman.

No matter what the factor, a woman is not going to spoon-feed this information to any man who is interested in her.

Beyond the over-population issue, there is another factor involved.

When you read the last paragraph, you might have thought “But what if she’s already interested in the man who is approaching her? Isn’t it in her best interest to show or explain to him how to attract her?”

The answer to that is no.

How does she know this man is truly interested in her? How does she know the man is being forthright? How does she know that he’s really who he portrays himself to be? How does she know he’s not dangerous or psychotic or might put her in harm’s way? The answer for her is to apply FILTERS.

Here is how a woman’s filtering process goes:

* She will not state or explain to a man what attracts her. If she does, it’s a façade to determine whether he will cater to the façade rather than maintain his integrity of who he truly is. Who he truly is may or may not attract you.

* She will observe his body language» to determine how much he is in harmony with his own words. She can’t be attracted to a man who makes claims that don’t jive with his presence.

* She will observe how congruent he is from one moment to the next. If he acts too differently one moment to the next (in terms of personality not in predictability), then he’s not being congruent with himself and she can’t be attracted to a man who may be putting on a façade. If this seems hypocritical, consider that men do it to get in women’s pants and women do it to avoid a man getting in their pants who might cause them to feel “buyer’s remorse” later (or worse).

* She will talk in third-person contexts or relay stories of people she knows to see what the man’s real opinions are of things that may have more to do with her than the people in those stories.

* Immediate physical attraction aside, so long as a man doesn’t outright turn her off, and has interesting aspects to him, she will continue to interact with him long enough for something to “click”.

* Once enough time has passed where nothing has “happened”, she will presume he’s either not interested or doesn’t have the “right stuff” that makes her feel attracted and then no matter what happens after that the door is closed.

Even understanding this filtering process can help you quite a lot but, still…

How do you, as a man, determine WHAT a woman would truly be attracted to without expecting it all to be spelled out for you or to have a map drawn out for you? The ways to do it are:

*** Pay attention to the subtext of what a woman is saying.

If she’s talking about someone she knows in the third person OR any part of your intuition makes you feel like she’s talking about herself indirectly, then presume it’s meant to gauge your true opinion.

In that case, just acknowledge the story without sharing an opinion (keep her guessing) or (even better) turn the tables around on her by relating to the story through one of your own with a similar context.

For example if she says “I know this woman at work who’s hooked on an anti-depressant, she’s always worried that she’s messing up her life… do you think that hurts how attractive she is?”, you reply with “That’s an interesting question, there’s this guy who lives near me that sounds just like her – what do you think?”

If she doesn’t want to answer, then change the subject.

If she answers readily, then you know the best way to answer.

*** Observe what she does, not what she says.

If a woman tells you she doesn’t like men who are dominant yet reacts more positively to you when you are dominant, then just ignore what she’s saying and continue to do what works.

The trick is to be more observant of her actions and not her words, if the context allows.

*** Understand women in general and what is attractive to them, in general, and stick to that regardless of what your friends, family, the media, or even women themselves tell you about what interests them. A lot of that is covered in “The Art of the Pickup»”.

*** Use women’s filtering tactics for yourself.

Use the filtering tactics I describe in this newsletter for yourself on the women you are interacting with.

They may or may not know you are actively reversing their tactics but they will intuitively recognize that you are “filtering” them and not just catering to them to get in their pants like most men do.

Not only does this tactic help you understand their perspective and use it to your advantage, you will also increase your attractiveness to them by the mere act of doing so – because clearly only a man who would need to filter the women he interacts with is one who is chased by more women than he is interested in.

*** Initiate “tests” to or challenges to the woman that display you are aware of her coy subtext.

This one will take practice, and requires the vibe to be that of flirting rather than interrogation.

If a woman presents you with subtext that you know is a filtering ploy, then joke with her how obvious she’s being or how silly it is for her to be hitting on you like a piece of meat.

Obviously, this is not something that can be done just through words (you can’t read something like this and expect it to immediately work just by repeating the words) but if you understand what the vibe is meant to be and can maintain your congruence with it, then, by all means, use it to your advantage.

I could talk more about helping you to understand what women really want, but “The Art of the Pickup»” explains it so well, I’ll just let you do the research on your own.

Your prognosticator of the pursuit of pickup,

Jay Valens

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