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theApproach : 11 Damn Good Questions From a Great Student, part I

"11 Damn Good Questions From a Great Student, part I" / September 15th, 2006

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11 Damn Good Questions From a Great Student, part I
by Sebastian Drake of theApproach
September 15th, 2006

I had a really fantastic student in London, great guy, and really
enthusiastic about success. I admire his ability to put things down
eloquently and ask great questions, and I wanted to share my
answers to a few questions of his with you. Enjoy!

Important Questions

1) As VAC = Attraction, how come every woman will not be attracted
to you if you gain it?

Sebastian says:

The short answer is... they will!

That said, value is something that fills a conscious or
subconscious need in another person's life. For the vast majority
of women (over 95%), they have needs that aren't being fulfilled.
However, there are a select few women who are really getting
everything they need from the men they currently have in their life
- these women usually can't be bedded, seduced, and sometimes not
even attracted!

Crazy? Here's the question to ask a man who says you can sleep with
ANY woman: "Does that mean that no matter how skilled you are, how
great of a man you are, and how great your relationship is, a woman
will cheat on you?" That seems to stop cats dead in their tracks.

That said, over 95% of women AREN'T getting what they need. So rest
assured, there's plenty of girls to go around. ;)

2) As VAC = attraction, how come some guys end up in the "just
friends" zone? After all, by sheer virtue of friendship they have
high value, demonstrated respect as a friend & that they are real
and will have experienced compliance.

Sebastian says:

The most common cause of "just friends" is lack of compliance. If
you don't make a girl work to earn you, she'll think you're "a nice
guy" and that will be that.

The second most common cause is missing a window of opportunity -
if a woman gives you an opportunity to escalate - and you don't -
they'll often auto-reject, think you don't like them, and clamp
down and write you off as a friend. This second kind of "just
friends" is easier to conquer than the first - no compliance is
really bad. Better to overwork girls than underwork them ;)

3) How do you avoid LJBF? How do you be "cool and sexy" as opposed
to just "cool and nice"?

Sebastian says:

Blah! Sexy! Trying to be sexy is like trying to be cool. If you're
seen as trying to be cool, you're not cool. What is cool? Cool is
having your life together, like who you are, presenting yourself
well socially, etc. Same with sexy. Sexy is confidence, charisma,
and all the manifestations of that - Good Nonverbal Image, good
Focus, etc.

As for avoiding LJBF, literally verbalizing she's a good friend
works wonders. If you say to a girl, "You're such a good friend,
I'm so glad I met you" it's near IMPOSSIBLE for her to say, "Let's
just be friends to you."

Would this dialouge happen?

Guy, smiling as he says it: "You're really great Kate, you're such
a good friend."

Girl: "Wait a second there, Jake! We're just friends!"

Telling a girl you think of her as a great friend actually STOPS
"let's just be friends" - and gets you closer to the bedroom.
Counterintuitive as it may seem.

4) Is it possible (and if so, how?) to gain VAC with people you
previously didn't? I am thinking primarily of those who have
already formed an opinion: work colleagues, exes etc.

Sebastian says:

Yes... and no. With people you already know, you have something
called "precedence" going in one direction or another. Bad
precedence can be broken, but it can be a very time-consuming
thing. The truth is, especially with exes, you've already got a lot
of things handled, but you've already got massive problems. These
situations can be fixed, but they're very case-sensitive, and
frankly, objectively, usually not worth the time they take.

There's something like 3-4 BILLION women in the world. At least 500
million of those women are cute. Do the math... one ex... half a
billion other women... hmm...

5) Universal value (confidence, humor, etc.) is one thing but how
do you demonstrate specific value for her? She may not screen you
with questions and even if she did, how do you know what the
correct response is?

Sebastian says:

This is a great question!

First, if you lack specific value for a woman, what do you need?

Answer: More universal value. So if she likes
black/white/Asian/latino/Arabic men, and you're not the one she
specifically likes, what do you need? To be even more confident,
charismatic, humorous, decisive, empathetic, and all that, than the
other guys around you. This is how barriers get broken down - a
girl may only date a guy of one race her entire life, but then she
comes across a guy so great that she can't help but get interested
in like him. Frequently after that happens, her perceptions will
change and she'll be open to that type of guy in the future.

It's an attainability thing.

That said, there is a system for screening out her specifically
valuable traits. One of the largest specific value dichotomies is
"social accountability vs. social anonymity" - this is something
relatively new that Vincent and I have been working on the last six
months. The idea is that there are two powerful, polar opposite
forces you can employ on your side: The first is social
accountability, which is getting connected in with her and her
social circle. This minimizes flaking and gets her to respect you
well. The second is social anonymity, which keeps you out of her
social circle and makes you a shadow upon the wall. Flaking will be
higher, but you'll be able to get very casual, non-mainstream
relationships easily, be her "guy on the side", lay her very
quickly, etc.

Basically, you want to be either invisible in her affairs, or right
in the mix of them. When you're just starting, I'd recommend using
more social accountability-based stuff, because then you can choose
whether you want it to be casual or you want to flip it to a
girlfriend, and you'll get less potential flak and disrespect. Once
your knowledge and ability to influence VAC improves, you can flip
it around and use social anonymity to your advantage. One of the
biggest factors deciding which to use is age - Social
accountability works better on younger girls (18-25), social
anonymity works very well on older women (28-38).

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