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Deep Friendships...?
by Sebastian Drake
of theApproach
August 2nd, 2006
QUESTION FOR SEBASTIAN:
Dear Sebastian:
I have a great girlfriend who is very devoted to me (I definitely
have the reverse supplication thing going for me to a certain
degree). See I have tons of acquantinces, a few friends, and
little to no really good friends, so i'm kind of banging my head
up a wall to figure out why. I've never been the guy where people
are like "Hey man we're having a party tonight, you should come".
For a long time I was a social retard, so now i'm just trying to
reclaim lost time. So, not really in relationship terms but in the
sense for building long term friendships with people. How do I do
that?
Thanks,
W
ANSWER FROM SEBASTIAN:
Hey W -
I hear where you're coming from now. Believe it or not, I'm much
the same way - A lot of people who are really ambitious in life and
chase a lot of success have lots of friends but few "very close"
friends. Not including one of my girlfriends, I have just one myself.
Of course, it all depends on what you mean by "very close" - I have
lots of friends that I trust a ton, and can count on, and yes I do
get those party invites. It comes down to basically two things as I
see it -
You need to contribute more than you ask for from people. This
includes being fun, social, insightful, etc. As your general
conversational skills improve, and you get more interesting
experiences, that'll help. Vibing and other conversational skills
can be learned.
And the second part, which I'd hazard to guess is where you're "not
on point" - is time. To have really close friends, you need to
spend a lot of time with them. That's why I don't have a lot of
really, really close friends - I don't have time to spend hanging
out with people, developing deep friendships, etc. A lot of the
really successful people I know have one really close confidant
type, then usually a close S.O. girlfriend type they can lean on,
and LOTS of acquaintences, casual friends, and people they respect
that they stay in touch with. That's because it takes a *lot* of
work to make really deep friendships. Long hours of conversation,
hanging out, learning and growing together.
Half the battle is probably meeting someone you want to be close
friends with. The easy answer is a strong common interest. Exercise
and combat sports tend to be common ones - Martial arts, fencing,
weightlifting. Dancing. Pickup, possibly (I met Vinny through the
"seduction community" actually). Any clubs. Maybe a job, or a
sport. Chess, actually. Tobacco, ironically enough. Politics.
Maybe... ;)
The key is to join organizations that have the kind of people you
like to be around in them. That's simultaneously a lot easier and a
lot harder than it sounds. Step one might be figuring out what your
interests are. If you're a "dabbler" (I'm one), a
jack-of-all-trades master-of-none type - it can be tougher.
If you were asking for my out and out advice - I'd say develop your
social skills and general life skills to an extremely high degree.
Focus on the process, not the result. Sleeping with bunches of
women will help your overall confidence and overall social skills.
If that doesn't appeal to you, I understand, but it helps a lot.
Guys are actually easier to socialize with than girls - by far -
but you don't get the #1 push towards closeness you get with girls
(sex). Sex brings you really close with a woman. For guys, the
common experience and deep connection comes from other stuff -
Oftentimes figuring out/conquering problems together, going through
tough times together, achieving a common goal, anything that feels
like or simulates combat (examples would be rough physical sports,
military service even if it's peaceful and you never actually are
in live combat, being say, on the police force together). All those
would make you closer with people. But the biggest thing is just
time. Deep friendships take a long time to make, and to spend that
much time with someone, you'd have to really like them and click
with them. So again, get into figuring out what you like and your
interests and go from there.
A few years ago, I found myself asking this very question. I was
saying, "I understand women now. I can meet girls I like, have
quick fun casual things, and then find quality girlfriends if I
want. Now, how the hell do I make quality friends?" Since then,
I've struck into a great friendship with the one cat who I talk to
almost every day, swap advice and sort out and conquer problems.
Then I've got lots of other friends. The party invites come from
having lots of people you're cool with who see you are having a lot
to offer, so general improvement in social skills helps there. As
for deep friendship - Step one is figuring out what you want in
life, step two is figuring out where people who want the same thing
are, and step three is joining that circle. The rest flows pretty
easily.
All the best,
Sebastian
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