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Lay Report x 3 Fuck Up Report: House Party @ Club Jeffy

mASF post by jlaix

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Lay Report x 3 Fuck Up Report: House Party @ Club Jeffy
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mASF post by "jlaix"
posted on: mASF forum: Field Reports Discussion, July 7, 2004

News from Jeffyland…

ChessClub is now my official intern. She does many things for me. She makes
phone calls for me, following up on number closes while I play nerd games on
the internet involving things such as "drakels" and "the Zardmaster" (I
recently got enough gold pieces to purchase the Vampire Blade and Undead
Puppy). She writes the LRs for me when I am hung over. She cleans my house to
prepare it for extraction before we go out. She goes to the store to get me
beer and It's-Its. This is great; it’s like having a PU sous chef or prep cook.
God bless her. Everyone needs a PU intern… very helpful.

On to the report. A couple of days ago my roommate Natalie informed me that it
was her birthday on Friday, and that she invited some friends over. Great, I
said, whatever.

So last night, I was taking a little disco nap after a long day of fucking
about town. I wake up and go downstairs to discover the furniture has been
moved around, and some dude is setting up turntables in the living room. Oh.
Before you know it, a line of people starts filing into the house. There's a
LOT of people in the house. Shit, I go upstairs and get ChessClub… we got a
full-blown party on our hands here.

I take my shotgun out to the car and put it in the trunk. Then I start drinking
Pabst Blue Ribbon out of a Tiffany crystal mug. I wander around my house
scanning for targets in a flagrant manner reminiscent of TD at Mel's. One
little cutie is giving me approach invitation, but she's not THAT hot, so I
defer that for now. There are mostly 7s here. There’s maybe one 9, but it’s my
roommate’s GF and as such she is off-limits.

As I stand in the kitchen and harangue the crowd, I notice something strange.
Some chodes appear to be discussing me, as they gesture towards me and speak to
one another in a weird conspiratorial manner. I roll up on them HARD and fast
and bellow some genial bullshit at them. There are a couple of guys and a
couple of girls.

“You’re the guy!” says one dode, “I AM YOU!”

I’m like, WTF is this. They explain that they are in some play with Natalie
called “14 times in 2 weeks” which is about some guy’s search to get laid or
something. Apparently one of the characters is some kind of seduction coach.
Natalie told them about what I do, and so now these * thespians * are all
fascinated and want to hear all about it. I throw some openers at them. One
dode says, “I would never take the workshop because I have game, but it’s
interesting.” I take a look at him; he looks like he could easily apply for
Chess Club membership with his glasses and argyle sweater. I laugh. “So, you
have game, huh? Do you do cold approaches on groups of strangers? You know,
like the hottest chick in the club there with her steroid freak boyfriends?” He
says, “No…” I go, “Oh, so you just do social circle stuff?" He says yes. I go,
"Oh... that’s… cool. Right on man.” Backturn.

As I walk off, one of the guys catches up, the guy who plays “me” as he put it.
This guy is practically beggin' me to expound game to him to help with his
character development. Since there are no HBs around, I decide to indulge him
in exchange for free tickets to the show. I go upstairs with him and shoot the
Nerf Hoop while ChessClub sits to the side, looking pretty. I give him the
standard jlaix speech while the guy sits there in awe. ChessClub appears very
bored. Finally she just gets up and walks out of the room.

Less than five minutes later, I’m blathering on to this guy about AMOGs or
something when the door opens. ChessClub enters with some little girl in tow.
She announces, “Here’s another candidate!!!” I start to laugh and say, “Another
candidate for what?” The girls sit down on my bed. I give the dude eye code to
leave, motioning to the door. He misinterprets it, and he gets up and moves to
the other side of the room. Finally, I get up and say, “Hey dude, come here,
let me show you something…” and walk out the door.

He follows me out into the hall. I say, “Dude, me and my girl are gonna bang
this broad, so uh, see you later…” The guy actually says to me, “But I want to
see how you do it!” I laugh, slap him on the arm and say, “Read the fuckin
report tomorrow buddy.” I go back in the room.

The chick appears drunk. Very drunk. I cut the shit and almost immediately
begin the Dual Induction Massage. The chick is a good masseuse. She keeps
saying retarded shit like, “I am soooo drunk… I have a boyfriend… I am
druuunk…” and all this bullshit, which we ignore. Finally, we get her shirt off
and start making out over her. BUT when I try to get ChessClub to kiss her, for
some reason she won’t do it! WTF. She finally does, but seems to be holding
back… this sort of fucks up the flow or the momentum and the chick starts
saying shit like, “I love you guys but we’re not gonna fuck tonight… I’m on my
period… I love you… don’t hate me…” Jesus, bitch, we’ve known you for ten
minutes! What a life. I take the chick's shoes off. ChessClub is not helping at
all. I know that if Chess Club starts a hardcore tongue down, the chick will
get horny, I'll get her pants off to initiate the licking, and she will be
compelled to fuck by her own biological imperatives. As it is, I am
encountering some serious resistance as I try to take her pants off. I’m
snarfing and snuffling at her pussy like some animal when some random chick
walks in the room. She takes one look at what’s happening, says, “Oh my” and

I start busting out my LMR shit, I keep telling her, “Shhhs…. Shhhh… look
here…shhhh… slow your mushkin speed… slowwwww…. Shh…” as I kiss on her. I pace
and lead; I’m about to bust out the real nuclear LMR stuff when I notice that
ChessClub is just sort of sitting there like a puppet doing nothing. The
realization hits me that without her participation, this thing is sunk.

I become enraged at this point… I jump astride ChessClub, straddling her. I
start yelling, “Bitch! Do something!" and slapping ChessClub across the face,
back and forth, hard. She does nothing, her head goes from side to side, she
just appears kind of loaded as the head lolls to the right, to the left, she is
stunned by the blows. The target's inexplicable reaction is to lie there next
to us and start saying, “No... don’t hate me! Don’t hate me! Guys please don't
hate me!” ChessClub number closes the chick, who then leaves. After this, a
drunken fuck ensues.

In the morning, I get up and notice the chick left her shoes in my room. Now,
this doesn’t make sense to me. She left her SHOES. How the fuck does one go
home without their shoes? I freak out... "Is she under the bed?!" She was not.

I don’t know about this one guys. I know it would have gone down had our game
been on point. I would even go so far as to say that there might be a chance
yet. The comments about not fucking us “tonight”, the leaving of the shoes, the
number closing, the shoving of my tongue down her throat… there were all these
little indicators that suggest to me this may still be a go.

Even if it’s not though, I don’t really give a flying fuck. I can think of a
lot worse ways to spend an evening than by drinking free beer, basking in nerdy
fan boy adulation, having my GF/intern walk downstairs to pull ass, getting a
massage from a pair of hot chicks, and engaging in three-way tonguedown.

Anyways, a swing and a miss for Jeffy and Chessy. There’s a first time for


what's the difference between us? we can start at the penis; or we can scream
"i just don't give a fuck" and see who means it.

Unless otherwise noted, this article is Copyright©2004 by "jlaix" with implicit permission provided to for reproduction. Any other use is prohibited without the explicit permission of the original author.


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