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Lay Report: My Most Disgusting Lay Ever

mASF post by Narcissisto

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Lay Report: My Most Disgusting Lay Ever
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mASF post by "Narcissisto"
posted on: mASF forum: Field Reports Discussion, August 8, 2005

LR: My Most Disgusting Lay Ever

Tuesday, August 9, 2005


I drove to the coffee shop in Clarendon to type up some cover letters and send
them off for some jobbie jobs (need a full-time income and experience badly).
I finished up around 9 and headed back home to get ready for $1 Intern night at
McFadden's in Foggy Bottom. Space Monkey picked me and my roommate up to go.
My roommate, The VIP, dressed like a chode with a tie and khakis. He went home
early. Space Monkey left at 1 AM. I wasn't feeling the best last night. I
didn't do a whole lot of sets either. Probably 5.

The first sets were good-looking women. I just rolled up and went direct:
"Hey, I saw you guys across the bar, so I had to come take a social risk and
come talk to you. (pause to not seem canned and then throw an enthusiastic
refreshed expression on your face) My name's Justin. (optional to throw out

The first set was an 8 and a 7. One was liking it but the other quickly tried
dismissing me after saying hello. "We're trying to have a serious conversation
here." "That's funny, so am I." She awkwardly starts trying to whisk me away
and I give her a really weird look. OK, bye.

I ran into this red head that asked me to call her even after giving me the old
cheek twice when I tried to kiss her. She looked better when I was drunk the
last time I met her. I saw her with a friend of her's and I went up to the
girl's friend and said, "Hey, is this girl's name Emily?" She said yes and
asked me why I asked. I told her I thought the girl looked like someone but
wasn't sure. She said it was nice to meet me and quickly left me with Emily.

Emily said she got my text message from Friday (I never called her). She asked
if I had fun on Friday at Dan's. I think the text I sent her was like this:
"At Dan's Cafe. Meet me here. There are crazy midget tranny's dancing on the
bar making out!"

She said that she would have appreciated it if I called her. LOL. She said
it's more adult if a guy calls rather than text messaging. Whatever. I just
laughed at her. She started looking at the video game beside us and I snapped
my fingers. "Hey, the show's over here!" She tried to go for rapport, but I
just walked away and laughed at her. She was a big dork. Her hair was frizzy

I went upstairs and saw a good-looking 7.5. She had amazing eyes and I did
that direct shit again. She was all smiles and I told her to hold on so I
could start over and do it again. I walked around the corner and came back. I
launched it again and she was laughing hysterically. I saw a beer and a purse
beside her. I said someone is coming back. Sure enough, her girlfriend came.
She had nice eyebrows. I talked to them for a bit and the 7.5 asked if I was
from the South. Yes. I asked her to guess the state which she eventually did.
Then they asked if I was Republican. I winked and smiled and looked away.
LOL. The set was going nowhere but fluff. I told them to hold on and left.

I saw a girl that looked like Anne Coulter. I sat at the bar and waited for
her friend to quit backturning me to the side of me. When she faced the bar, I
told her her friend looks kinda like Anne Coulter. She asked who that was and
then her friend asked what was said. The friend moved and I said, "Has anyone
ever told you you look kinda like Anne Coulter?" She flicked me off and I
laughed at her. She got pissed and mentioned that her grandfather is a
Republican Representative for the U.S. House. OK, whatever???

Another chick rolls up beside me while I'm camping at the bar. I turn, glance
her over, and say, "How tall are you?" I look away and puff my cigarette. She
told me 5'10" with her heels. I asked her to show me her heels and she showed
them off for me. She asked where I was from and I told her. She asked me
where I went to school and I told her. I asked her if she was still in school
and she said yes, but in Cali. She was interning in DC for the summer. She
mentioned that she was Republican and I shared a brief story of how I was
kicked out of the College Republicans for coming to a seminar hung over as
balls. Somehow these neo-conservatives told my chair that I was on drugs and
hungover. Sorry, no drugs. Hungover? Yes. That was the first time I got to
get drunk in Chapel Hill and stay in a hotel for free.

She laughed at my story and said she'd come back. I didn't stay long after.
Made the girls beside me think I was getting up from my stool and sat longer.
Made her wait just to watch her sulk while I sipped on my drink. I soon let
her have it after I got my gratification of being an ass and she fought over it
with a dude. LOL. "He said I could HAVE IT!"

Double-fisted some more beers and rolled into a set of a fat 6 and a 6.5. LOL.
The beer had caught up to me considering I only had a bowl of chicken noodle
soup and a cereal bar the entire day. I forget what I opened with, but I was
talking to them and telling the 6.5 to be nice. She saw me light up and she
asked to have a cigarette. I gave her one without asking for a story because I
didn't care about her stories. She took it and balled it up and threw it on a
counter. She screamed, "CANCER!" I looked at her like she was a retard. Years
ago, I probably would have smashed her face. No reaction from me though. I
told her to be nice and to behave herself. I wasn't five minutes into the set
before I said, "God, I SO want to play some drinking games now. I will so kick
your asses in Robopound." Girls: "What's Robopound?" "C'mon. Let's get out of
here. I'm gonna so kick your asses in Robopound." The 6.5 dips. Fattie stays
with me. I don't even care. I broke my New Year's resolution on Friday night,
so I didn't think it mattered. Gotta get the momentum back up.

I stuck around and the fattie went upstairs. The big bouncer dude at closing
time tells me I need to take a hike. I told him, "Dude, you're the man with
the muscles. I can't even compete with you. You're solid!" He told me if I
wanted to snake the fat ass, I better get on that shit. A white dude told me
the same thing and I said I don't care. I left and went outside.

She came up to me and I said we should catch a cab. She told me to hold on so
she could tell her friends. I walk over to some black dude, a hot white girl,
and another white guy. The fattie rolled back over to me and told me to hold
on. Whatever. I said to the black guy while motioning towards the fat girl,
"Fattie McGee!!!" He rolled in laughter as I made fucking motions while I made
gestures suggesting I was fat. He tried to tell me to say it again and fattie
rolled up. I shut my mouth and walked with her. I looked back and winked at
him giving him a thumb's up and a smile.

We made out on a curb with plants and then caught a cab the way it oughta be
done. "Fifteen... Pentagon City!" No dice the first time, but it worked the

I tried to make out with her in the cab but quit after a bit. She told me
after that that it's not good to make out in cabs. Whateva.

We got to my place and I cleared the table for a session of Robopound. Yeah!
The VIP woke up and came out of his cave: "Hey! Can you guys keep it down?
Some of us have to actually work in the morning!" "Ah, shut the fuck up
Jonathan... Bitch. Go back to fucking bed you chode!" "Blahblahblah"

She told me to be nice. We go to the basement and set up a table there. I
took the piece of shit boombox downstairs and tried to find a station.
Whateva. I was done drinking. I took her upstairs and opened my door while
grabbing her hand and leading her into the stabbing dungeon.

I pulled her clothes off and pulled her panties off. No resistance. Just
making out like a slobbering idiot and went to eating her pussy. AWWWW! The
fattie didn't shave! Ewww, grotesque! Belch. I ate it for about two minutes
before my stomach started to growl and I puked in my mouth. I held it in my
mouth without her seeing. I tried again and ran out saying "Excuse me." I went
and hurled in the toilet. Awkkkkkk. I went back and put my dick in her mouth.
She had fucking F cup tits. I couldn't even suck on a raised part of the
nipple because it was hardly there. Fucking fat melon walrus veiny tits. She
had a fucking gut from hell with red stretch marks all over. It was fucking
repulsive. I pull out some condoms and slap that shit on. She said, "It's not
a good time." I didn't care. No wonder I puked in my mouth. The bitch was on
her period. Awkkkkkkk.

I fucked her for a couple of hours, but the shit just kept getting soft. I
went through six condoms on this fat bitch trying to put it in her mouth over
and over so she could get it hard. I instructed her to suck it harder because
I wanted to just get it over with and cream in her mouth. She said, "But I'm
trying." Awwkkkkk. I kept saying how much I wanted Cialis so I could be a fist
of iron or a slab of marble. She said that that was unnatural but I told her
it would be my dick on supercharged pharmaceuticals. This ain't the Stone Age
anymore. I backturned her and went to sleep.

I woke up and had to drive her to GWU. I let her out and she said it was nice
to meet me and that she's sure she'd see me around. Whateva. I gave no eye
contact and drove off. Worst lay ever! I now know why I started that New
Year's resolution: Because fat girls don't turn me on and the unconscious part
of my brain is telling my dick that it can't get off on something so vile and
low on the food chain. I can do better. I did pull within 10 minutes though
and used no game whatsoever.

Unless otherwise noted, this article is Copyright©2005 by "Narcissisto" with implicit permission provided to for reproduction. Any other use is prohibited without the explicit permission of the original author.


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