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Are You Yourself When You‘re Just Being Yourself?

mASF post by Thundercat

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Are You Yourself When You‘re Just Being Yourself?
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mASF post by "Thundercat"
posted on: mASF forum: General Discussion newsgroup, February 2, 2005

It's the advice we always hear, from pretty much everyone we know when
we lament about not being able to get a girl.  Be it from parents,
siblings, friends, and even other girls, the advice is always the same:

Just be yourself!

I'm sure that just reading that line above caused a clenching in your
stomach so fierce, you could barely keep the bile at bay.  Those hated
three words are commonly looked at as the most ineffective advice ever
given to anyone wondering how to improve their love life.

The great Pick-Up Artist-and PUA instructor Mystery, creator of the
Mystery Method, has a saying:  If being yourself never got you the
results you wanted, why would you keep doing it and expect things to
turn out differently?

In many respects, Mystery is dead on about this.  If what you're doing
doesn't work, why keep doing the same old thing and expect the results
to be any different than what they were?

However, that being said, many of the best ladies men around ARE just
being themselves when they go after women.  They're congruent in
everything they do -- what they wear, how they live, what they think,
what they believe, etc. -- it's not a front.  It's really them.

Which begs the question, does "being yourself" really work?  I personally
think it does.  It has to.  A woman can only be attracted to a facade for
so long before she finds out who you really are.  So if you want to attract
a woman for the long haul, you really DO have to be yourself if you want
to keep her.

I know what you're thinking.  "But Thundercat, I've "been myself" around
women all my life and it's never worked!"

Well, to those of you who ask that question, allow me to ask you this in

Are you really "yourself" when you're "just being yourself?"

Something funny happens to us when we're around women.  We become
super-conscious of how we feel, what we're thinking, how we look, and
what we say.  We do this because our brain knows we want something
from this girl (ie:  Sex, a relationship, whatever), and we want to
somehow get her to give that to us, so we instinctively think we have to
tailor our behavior to get her into us.  To please her.

Now, remember, to us, we're ALWAYS ourselves.  In our minds, we never
change.  We're always the same person.  But when it comes to dealing
with women, if you want to be successful, you have to get OUT of your
mind, and look at the situation as if you were a third party watching the
events unfold before you.

Let's have an example.

Let's say you're in a coffee shop and you see a real hot woman sit down
at a table across from you.  So you instantly think "Wow, that girl is fine! 
I'd like to go out with her.  Maybe I can get her to notice me!"  So you
shift in your seat, trying hard not to look directly at her.  You spread out
a bit, take up some space, project a "sexual" energy, think happy
thoughts of you and her having all sorts of crazy-wild fun, and wait for
the signal that she's into you so you can go talk to her.  But instead, she
finishes her coffee and walks away, and you get pissed because "no girl
is into you," and you "can't be yourself because no girl likes who you

Now, were you really being yourself in that situation?  Look at it from a
third party standpoint.

A good looking woman sits at a table across from a man in a coffee
shop.  She sits quietly drinking her coffee, reading a newspaper, while
the man across from her shifts in his seat a bit, drinking his coffee, and
glancing at the girl from time to time.  After the girl is done with her
coffee, she gets up and leaves.  The guy goes back to reading his book.

It's the same scenario, but from two different viewpoints.  In the first
case, it seemed like the guy was doing a lot to attract the girl, but in the
second case, he really did nothing to get the girl to notice him.  Now, in
either situation, was this guy "being himself?"  Are you always spreading
out in a chair, projecting a sexual state, visualizing happy thoughts of
success?  By the same token, are you always the quiet guy who just sits
around and never interacts with others?

You weren't being yourself in either situation.

Let's go to another example.

Let's say you're at a party, and a friend of yours introduces you to a
beautiful woman, and the two of you start talking.  Your brain instantly
alerts you that you're hot for this girl, so you start asking her questions
about her.  "What's your name?"  "What do you do?"  Stuff like that.  You
talk about her job.  You talk about her interests.  You talk about her
favorite food, her favorite color.  You try to talk about how you like the
same things, and have the same interests.  Eventually, she excuses
herself and moves on to talk to other people in the party, and you start
beating yourself up because you must not have been "interesting"
enough for her, or "adventurous" enough, or "challenging" enough, or
"good looking" enough.  You were trying to be engaging, and you do
what you always do when you talk to women, so she just must not be
into YOU.

Now, let's step out and look at the situation from your friend's point of

He introduces you to a really hot chick he just met at the party, and he
knows she's just your type.  He watches you talk to her for a bit and
thinks to himself "Why does he keep asking her so many questions?  Why
is he leaning in so much?  Why isn't he smiling?  He's talking about water
skiing?  I thought he hated that!  Why is he pretending to be interested
in what she does for a living?  He usually acts so cool, why is he so
uptight right now?"

In both situations, you weren't being yourself.  You weren't talking about
the stuff you like to talk about, you weren't acting the way you usually
act when you're with your buddies.  Do you always ask people you just
met all those boring questions?  Do you always try so hard to connect
with others by pretending you have the same interests they do?  You're
not doing anything you usually do when you're interacting with other

You weren't being yourself.

And when you aren't "being yourself," you come off as incongruent. 
Fake.  And women can spot that behavior from a mile away and will
make it a point to AVOID IT.

All the "players" and ladies men out there are guys who are congruent
with who they are.  Some may be ass holes and dickheads, but
everything they do communicates that type of mentality.  That's all
confidence really is.  Truthfulness, no matter what.  Say what you will
about ass holes, but they are always truthful about who they are and
what they want.  And in the end, that's what women look for more than

So the next time someone gives you the advice "just be yourself," make
it a point to follow it.


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Unless otherwise noted, this article is Copyright©2005 by "Thundercat" with implicit permission provided to for reproduction. Any other use is prohibited without the explicit permission of the original author.


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