by David Shade
I asked one woman friend of mine "why did you go out with him?" and she
replied: "because when I looked at him he kept eye contact with me."
When I recall the very successful people I have had the pleasure of working for in the
corporate world, I remember that they all maintained eye contact while speaking to me.
When you watch somebody successful being interviewed on TV, like Scott McNealy of Sun, you
notice that they never look away from their interviewer's eyes and they rarely blink.
You are approaching a chick in the hall as you walk towards each other. When should you
look at her? (Her eyes, silly. If you look at anything else, it's over.) I have tried all
combinations. If I wait until the last instant, I either find she is not looking, or, if
she is looking, she quickly looks away. If I look at her and she looks at me and I look
away, then she never looks again. Then I tried something bold and decide I will look at
her eyes the entire time. To my amazement, she gazes like a deer into headlights. Never
breaks eye contact. So I decide to try this little experiment.
Recently I spent a week attending meetings in one of our buildings filled with educated
successful professional women in their 20's and 30's. Most are definitely doable. Some are
gorgeous. Some are married, some are not. I spent my time between meetings trying this: I
would pick a different floor and I would walk down each hall, walking just slightly to the
right of center. When I saw a woman walking towards me, I maintained looking at her eyes.
Only the heavy ones did not keep looking. But for all the others, including the gorgeous
ones, they maintained eye contact the entire time. I never blinked. They never blinked.
They broke eye contact only when we were just about next to each other. I broke eye
contact only after she did. What really amazed me was that by the time we passed, almost
every chick had broken a smile. Some even said "Hi." I did not smile or say Hi
until they first did.
These halls were not long. Each woman was no farther than 30 feet away when I first saw
her. But what if it had been a very long hall? How far down the hall should I start
looking at her eyes? I certainly don't want to scare her. I look straight ahead, and then
when she is about 30 feet away, I start looking into her eyes.
I then went to the mall a few times to try the experiment there. Most did not look at
all. Of those who did look, most only looked for a second. Only about a third locked on.
Of those, about half broke a smile or said Hi. A couple of them where so moved that they
Do you have to be walking? I tried the experiment while sitting. Almost none maintained
eye contact. Do they have to be walking? While I was walking I would look at any chicks
who were sitting. The results were the same as if we were both walking.
If I was approaching two chicks, and looked from one to the other, I lost them both.
So, if I am in such a situation, I lock onto one and I don't change my mind.
If I smiled or said Hi, while she was still looking at me, but before she smiled or
said Hi, it would usually result in my loosing her. On rare instances did it make her
smile and say Hi with enthusiasm. So, I never smile or say Hi until she first does so, and
I smile if she smiles and say Hi if she says Hi.
If she did not lock eye contact with me, I would go ahead and say Hi when she got close
to me. In many instances she would then enthusiastically turn to me and smile and say Hi.
I would also look at chicks who were with a man if he was not looking in my general
direction. I was surprised at the number of times that she would lock on and actually
I noticed that the better I dressed, or the sexier I dressed, the better I did. I
noticed that the women who looked where better dressed then those who did not.
Eye contact in a bar is an entire science in itself. When done correctly, it can be
Real players never stare. They lock eye contact. There is a difference between staring
and locking eye contact. They are two totally different things.
When you look at a woman, here is what you do. Lock eye contact with her. Don't blink.
Don't look at her friend. Pick one eye and don't let go. You only get one chance at this.
Don't give up. Don't smile. Don't say anything. You are telling her that you are
interested in her and you are not intimidated by her. Then leave it up to her. You will be
amazed at the staring capability that women posses.
She is thinking "Who is this guy to be so bold as to continue looking at me while
I look at him? Now this is interesting. He is different." She knows that if she lets
go now, she will loose you. She will go one of two ways. If she wants to loose you, she
will break eye contact and look away. If she does not want to loose you, but is instead
intrigued by what you are doing, she knows that she has to eventually end the stare down
and she will have to make the move. She will have to either smile or say Hi.
If she smiles, you smile. If she says Hi, you say Hi. Don't say Hello. Then you reward
her and make your move.
Of course, you don't always have to wait for eye contact to make your move.
David Shade, ASF: "When you are talking to a woman, always maintain eye contact.
This demonstrates confidence and intent. Don't theorize about it, just do it. Pick one eye
and stick with it. Don't go from eye to eye, that is nervous. That can only be done with
great skill as she will associate eye changes to content.
The only time you do not look a woman in the eyes is when you are "motioning
away" as you mention something "bad", such as her borefriend. Anything
"bad" is associated with "looking away."
That is after you have already started talking to her. But what about before that?
Again - always remain in eye contact. Let her be the first to break eye contact. Then make
your approach. It does not matter what the setting is. It is universal."