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Player Guide: Mirroring

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A variation of mirroring is discussed in the articles dealing with eliciting values and using trance-words – that is verbal mirroring. But a better-known variation of mirroring is physical mirroring. Actually, you’ve most probably been doing it all your life without knowing it but once you know how to harness the power of mirroring consciously – its like young Skywalker recognising and harnessing the power of the Force:).

Notice how people that seem to be engaged in ann interesting conversation – they are excited about what they themselves are saying, they are about to say and what the other is saying, in other words, they have rapport – seem to take the same poses, whether sitting or standing up. When sitting, either side by side or on opposites sides of the table – one leans forward and then the other leans forward as well, one leans backward and then the other leans backward as well, they cross their hands in the same manner, tilt their heads similarly, seem to be having similar side-activities (one playing with his keychain, the other with her pen), etc etc. Are they directing their actions consciously? No, all their energies and concentration is on the discussion, everything else happens subconsciously. But actually, they don’t even have to be having a discussion, they may just both be thinking their own thoughts… and still you can see mirroring going on – they make the same movements almost the same time without seemingly without having any perceivable interaction with the other person.

What is all this knowledge good for? Well, mirroring can be used as a tool for building rapport. Being similar or having someone similar in your vicinity creates a feeling of ease, comfort, being understood, protected (should there appear a threat of any sort, there’s two of you now:) etc. So you can use the power of mirroring to create these feelings in the one you are mirroring, she’ll subconsciously link all those feelings to you (after all, you are the one mirroring her:) and rapport is going to develop between you without you having lifted a finger (unless she lifted a finger and you had to mirror her:).

How, whom and from where should I mirror? Whom – that’s easy, the girl you want of course:) How – assuming the same posture, doing the same movements with your hands, in all respects using your body in a similar fashion to hers. More aspects of mirroring are:

  • following – doing the movements after she did them. Note that although your mind screams “This is stupid! I’m going to get caught! She MUST see me doing the same movements! This is ridiculous!”, don’t’ listen to it, fight it, it is the voice of the Dark Side!:) Why? Because they NEVER NOTICE it! Instead, they feel more comfortable and relaxed in connection with you, and eventually (that’s why you even bothered, right?:) – more drawn to you.
  • pacing – doing the movements the same time with her. Yes. Sounds impossible? Well it isn’t. Have you ever noticed how you sometimes happened to do the same things at exactly the same time with another person. Maybe yawn and then have a laugh about it:)? Because you thought it was accidental? Well it wasn’t, you had reached the second stage of mirroring:) (Yawning is not a good example though, the last thing you want is the girl yawning with you:). But there’s nothing magical all supernatural about doing the movements at the same time, because essentially the second phase is a stage of transition between the first and the third. In mirroring there’s always a leader and a follower. So far she has been leading you (because you’ve been following her) but now you are coming to the stage when YOU will be leading her! And the inevitable stage between following and leading is pacing – you are doing movements simultaneously.
  • leading – if you’ve done your mirroring right, have followed and paced, then you are ready for a revelation. You can lead! Try it. Cough. She coughs. Scratch your elbow. Well maybe she’ll scratch her shoulder instead of her elbow, big deal:) In addition to being a tool of building rapport, you can lead her into doing some pretty fun stuff. Do a movement with your hands mimicking the parting of legs (this should be associated with something you are talking about, if it looks strange, she’ll notice it and you don’t want her conscious attention on your movements, keep her mind busy with what you’re talking about). Watch her legs part:) Have fun:)

Another more advanced aspect, although controversial as to the effectiveness of it, is mirroring her blinking her eyes and breathing. Being able to mirror her breathing and blinking her eyes is supposed to create an even deeper rapport, but first of all – trying to see when she breathes might seem like you staring at her breasts (and you would NEVER do that, would you?:); and secondly – all the concentration required to detect and match your breathing and blinking with hers will take away much-needed attention from what she is saying, how is she responding to your patterns, values, kino etc, so eventually this could do more harm than good.

As to from where to mirror – the most common situation is when you’re talking to her. But you can also try mirroring from a distance, say in a classroom, meeting, night-club or cafeteria, just make sure she has a chance to subconsciously detect you mirroring her, in other words, she must be able to see you (so you can forget about mirroring her while watching her take a shower through a peep-hole:).

A technique of creating instant rapport by “faking” body-language. Tom, ASF: “I just finished another book about body language», and they mention several times that when someone is interested in a discussion, they tilt their head slightly. I thought that now that I knew when someone was interested, maybe I could do the same to “simulate” my deep interest in what they say. And… it works! When someone’s like “and you know, my dog just got a new collar and it fits wondefully with the living room furniture; the shade of green is just the same as the kid’s bedroom carpet and that’s great because…” – usually you would be using a few words they said (dog, collar, etc) and using the same adjectives (wonderful, great, etc) and ask something making them continue. But when you tilt your head slightly and do the same thing, it’s obvious the impact is much stronger.”

Maxim (
“I love it when a guy sort of mirrors my physical behavior, like when I’m sitting across from him and I lean in to say something, I like him to lean in. If I’m talking really fast, and he can keep up with me, it makes me feel like we’re in the same place. If I’m being a little frenetic and he’s slow and relaxed and laid-back, I feel really far away.
—Carlie, 30, Salt Lake City”

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